Parenting becomes a completely different creature when you have teenagers. Much less of your time is spent on the physical needs of your children; they are now old enough to make themselves a sandwich or wash a favorite shirt if they need it the next day. They no longer need constant supervision. All these things add up to a tremendous return of free time to pursue interests that are personally enriching .
Yet some of the most important lessons we can teach them are during these years. The shift toward character building is a big one in our home, and thus far, we have been doing a solid job. Our kids understand a great deal more of the "big picture" than most. They realize they are not the center of the universe, but have a duty to others and the planet.
Last night was a court of honor with BuzzBoy's boy scout troop. He has been really blessed to be surrounded by a phenomenal group of leaders for the last three years, and he has had some fabulous experiences and made great friends. This troop is amazing in that 50% of its scouts become Eagle. That is an almost unheard of percentage, but shows how strong adult leadership develops strong youth.
Right now, five of his buddies are all working on their Eagle projects. Which means that every weekend day from now until Thanksgiving he is expected to volunteer time, doing physical labor trying to help other scouts reach their goal. Three of the five are good friends and I know he will eagerly step in. The other two are difficult teens, but the duty to help is the same. He and the others will all be expected to give a few hours to help them as well because it is the right thing to do. I sat proudly knowing that as a parent, I knew he knew this without being reminded.
Later in the evening, I learned that the leadership within the troop was facing a tough time. Two parents who had been extremely active for years will be leaving the country in January and moving to Germany. The ScoutMaster will be undergoing a serious back surgery, and will be out of commission for months. They had just lost two assistant leaders last June when their boys graduated. And BuzzBoy is entering his last and most crucial year and a half in scouting.
I knew that I had to step up and be an example of the ethics I have been preaching to my kids. This is a great program, but like any is only as strong as the leadership involved. I spoke to the new committee chair, a quiet yet organized man who I have worked well with on various committees, and asked him where he could use me most. He was greatly relieved, mentioning that he feared he would have little help when he took on the leadership, and spoke specifically about two openings.
Of the two jobs, I selected to step in as troop training officer, because it entails simple record keeping and organizing of leadership training throughout hte year. THe only project is planning a one day Junior leadershp training event for the scouts each December. The timing works well with my co-op activities, yet meets a critical need to ensure the troop continues its charter.
When BuzzBoy walked up and overheard the conversation, he seemed quite surprised. In the past, I have only helped on specific events in minimal capacity. He gave me a questioning look, and I simply said, "Because it is the right thing to do."
This choice, this example of putting my beliefs into action, will do more toward character training than a dozen lectures on its' virtues.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
A glorious weekend...
I proudly announce that I did very little of substance
all weekend, and I loved every minute of it!
Ever know when you just needed one of those lazy weekends? Dh & I have both felt as if we have been doing far too much, and a rainy weekend was the perfect excuse to wind down. There is nothing like cooler temps and pouring rain to convince me that a good book or two is the way to go.
I did an awful lot of glorious reading. I read through both books on math tips,and then finish A Year in the Maine Woods. Still fully focused in recumbent pleasures of the literary kind, I decided to read through some teen fiction that the librarian suggested for HoneyGirl , The Protector of the Small quartet by Tamora Pierce.
Always on the lookout for books with powerful and confident female protagonists, The First Test, book one of the series, doesn't disappoint.
The Amazon review:
Ten years after the proclamation that girls are eligible for a page's training at the court of King Jonathan of Tortall, 10-year-old Keladry applies and is accepted, but on probation, a condition never forced on male applicants. Resolutely accepting the challenge, the hostility of the royal training master, and harassment by fellow pages, Kel makes her way through this difficult year.
Trained from early childhood by stoic Yamani warriors, she is capable of hiding her feelings, fearless in a fight, and willing to work hard to develop the necessary physical capacity. Her sympathy and support for the underdog and her sense of chivalry earn her the admiration of a group of fellow pages. She also befriends the sparrows that live outside her window and wins over a difficult horse. Kel performs well in her first real battle and is grudgingly allowed to stay for another year of training. The scrappy Kel is an appealing and believable girl whose struggles to integrate a formerly all-male world are both familiar and freshly told. This is smooth storytelling and a satisfying read.
I thoroughly enjoyed it. So much so that when I attempted to sit in the living room and found my hubby watching football, baseball, and car racing simultaneously, I decided to read the second in the series, Page. Equally good, and thus spurring an unplanned trip to the library for the rest.
I am thrilled ot know that this is in fact the third quartet of books from this author about this same world. It is so hard to find appropriate fiction for teens that is not full of sex , emo teen angst, and self-mutilation. I am far from a prude, but I just do not see the purpose of teen fiction with such negative and dark tones. Certain themes are just not pleasant to read, and hormonal teenagers certainly do not need unsettling habits and images to wreck havoc on their moods!
It wasn't all lazing about with books. HoneyGirl had a birthday sleepover, and BuzzBoy was away for the weekend. We managed to pick up our meat order from Farmer Steve's processor and get that packed snuggly in the big freezer. I graded papers and did a little lesson planning for this week.
We even made use of a Home Depot gift card we won in a drawing. As $50 doesn't go far, we knew we didn't want to get into any sort of bigger projects. We decided to purchase a curved shower curtain. Have you ever seen one of those? I'll tell you, I'm not one who goes all ga-ga about new and improved, but I think every one should have one of these! You end up with at least a foot more elbow room in the shower, totally getting away from ever getting stuck on that plastic liner again. (Yeah, I know it doesn't take much to thrill me!)
My best friend and her family stopped over to introduce us to my god daughter's boyfriend. After years of living thousands of miles apart and only hearing about their friends , it was so nice to finally meet someone in person! It was so great to see her so happy as well, with such a nice young man.
Feeling refreshed, I am eager to start the new week. Hope you are as well!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
A real buzzkill....
I am back to blogger, folks. Sorry about all the moving about, but too many folks weren't able to post to the wordpress site, and I was constantly frustrated not getting notification of comments, posting pics, etc.
Hope to be posting here again tomorrow morning!
Hope to be posting here again tomorrow morning!
The Difference Between Aiding and Enabling...
The homeschooling lifestyle can be fabulous for kids, offering personalized curricula and challenging experiences. Learning has a chance to be move beyond the static and rote, and kids can develop the ability to self-motivate and self-challenge that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
That is, if they are given the chance. I am often contacted my homeschooling parents who are seeking guidance with their children. By the time they come to me, these parents are a bundle of frustrated emotions, over extending and compromising continually to no one's true benefit. This weekend I received three emails alone and thought the ideas would make an interesting blog post .
The reality is that it is imparative to address some critical emotional and relational facts to have a truly successful homeschool. Far too many parents focus on their ability or lack to master and teach material, yet they are missing the most important key. You can be the best instructor in the world, but if your relationship with your child is filled with guilt, manipulation and justification, you will never be truly successful.
Every homeschooling parent needs to take a good hard look at themselves and do a little self-analysis. What was your educational experience like? What were your social experiences are a teenager? What underlying issues are YOU bringing into your homeschool?
Let's first address insecurities. Any one who is often seeking approval outside of themselves are in for a humdinger of a time teaching their own kid. Why? Because it is darned difficult to have your own children angry at you, and it is bound to happen! Especially once a child realizes how easily they can manipulate this insecurity for their own benefit . And trust me, kids are smart and wily, and if it gets them out of an unpleasant or challenging situation, they will not hesitate to yank on your heartstrings!
A homeschooling parent needs to develop a mental toughness based on a few facts. Firstly, all kids tend to redirect frustration into anger at their teachers. The hard part for us is that we are the parent as well, and they don't get to run to us for comfort complaining about Hairy Scary Mrs. Smith at the end of a school day. The anger is pointed right at us, in silence or screams, 24-7, until the situation causing the frustration is relieved. So know that it is perfectly healthy and normal for our kids to be ticked off at us!
Unfortunately for many kids, some parents will just cave repeatedly to this sort of attack. Instead of teaching the child to work through challenges and come out on the other side feeling accomplished and proud, the parent reinforces the child's frustration by agreeing that "it probably is too hard for you, honey." Can you see how defeating this is for your child's psyche? You feed into their phobia, and believe me, it will continue to grow until they see for themselves that they can learn even if the material is not simple.
The flip side to this is the other undeniable truth about kids: they are inherently fun seekers. This desire to seek fun at all times is often at odds with our best educational efforts. We are cramping their fun with all this learning stuff, and they would certainly rather be doing something they enjoy than drudging through history or algebra equations. (Again , I am speaking about the majority of kids here. I read about those who say "Learning=Fun" and even know a few who would prefer conjugating Latin verbs to playing video games, but most of us don't have those kids in our homes!)
Our clever charges do know the power they have playing upon our emotions. Some take the anger angle, dawdling and pouting until we let them pack it in early to go do something they prefer. How does this help them develop the maturity for adult life, when there are a myriad of un-fun but necessary tasks to face daily? I always say that a few hours of active learning is not TOO much to ask for teens!
Others mask their laziness through a cover of helplessness. We end up jumping through hoops trying to help them learn, yet their reluctance toward whatever subject is the true problem. It is far easier to feign inability in a subject than put forth a real effort to learn. Real effort comes from the heart, and if we coddle instead of challenge, we are perpetuating the problem. Teaching a child with a true disability, and watching her work so hard to overcome it successfully , will give you a real perspective on effort. HoneyGirl didn't just give up after a difficult morning. She would take a break, and try again in the afternoon or at night. She wanted to learn to read because she knew it was important. And frankly, most kids would rather create a crutch than learn to run.
I speak from experience on this one in my dealings with BuzzBoy and math. He swore for years that he was "not capable" of learning math, and we battled daily. I knew that he certainly could do it, but that he did not like to do anything that wasn't easy. Any challenge in any aspect of life usually met with resistence and excuses. Math certainly was challenging, but definitely something he could do IF he stopped being stubborn and really put forth effort. My DH did not understand why we were at always at odds, and suggested we outsource math.
After years of fighting, I accepted how much manipulation really was at play here, and wanted no more fighting. We had a family meeting, and BuzzBoy was told that we wanted him to be successful in math and were getting him a teacher that loves math. He needed to be responsible for his work and success: and there would be no missed assignments, and no dropping out. If he failed the class, he would retake it until he passed. We constantly told him he "could" do it, instead of buying into his claims.
This might sound really harsh to some of you. At first, I thought so too. But I am math-phobic, and the reality is that middle and high school math is NOT that difficult for a child of average intellegence to grasp if they put forth effort....period. But it does take practice, and that is a challenge for inherently lazy kids. The issue here really wasn't math...but a stubborn character.
Once he started taking math classes with other instructors with this sink or swim policy, he suddenly discovered that he indeed could do math. And he was pretty good at it as well. Sure, he balked at doing the work and kept claiming that he was bad at math. But over time, even he realized it wasn't the case. HE just didn't like the effort and time that math took compared with other subjects. Fast forward a few years, and he has learned to enjoy math and is not even shying away from his math-heavy major in engineering, something that would have been impossible if we hadn't stopped enabling him.
Another stumbling block for homeschooling parents is the tendency to unwittingly share our own history with our children. Are you math-phobic, or swear you haven't a creative bone in you? A lot of parents often project their own dislike for a subject onto their child. We need to look at our children as individuals and honestly access their strengths and weaknesses without excuse or personal bias.
A dear friend is very science and math oriented, and had always claimed that her daugthers were "just like her." She came to me for help in their writing, as they were struggling greatly because they had "analytical minds." After just a few sessions, I found that these three girls were highly creative, but didn't really understand how to put their oral stories into writing. All they needed was a little guidance from someone who wasn't "closed off" to writing to get them on their way. The mother was shocked at what the girls were able to create, and realized that her negativity had actually stiffled their success.
There is a difference between aiding our children and enabling them. Aiding a child is finding curriculum and method that matches their learning style, and adapting teaching schedules to their natural rhythms. SOmetimes it is giving breaks and redirection. Enabling is creating an atmosphere based on the path of least resisitence that becomes a challenge-less lifestyle. Children and teens especially need things to be proud of, and not just those things that come with ease. Accomplishing and conquering the hard stuff is often the very thing that will help them mature from an attitude of "Poor Me!" to "Yes, I Can!".
So remember when you are in the midst of struggle, the short term peace almost always undermines the long-term goal. Then one day, your child might turn to you and say "It was a great year, because I finally realized you are on my team." That, my friends, is priceless!
That is, if they are given the chance. I am often contacted my homeschooling parents who are seeking guidance with their children. By the time they come to me, these parents are a bundle of frustrated emotions, over extending and compromising continually to no one's true benefit. This weekend I received three emails alone and thought the ideas would make an interesting blog post .
The reality is that it is imparative to address some critical emotional and relational facts to have a truly successful homeschool. Far too many parents focus on their ability or lack to master and teach material, yet they are missing the most important key. You can be the best instructor in the world, but if your relationship with your child is filled with guilt, manipulation and justification, you will never be truly successful.
Every homeschooling parent needs to take a good hard look at themselves and do a little self-analysis. What was your educational experience like? What were your social experiences are a teenager? What underlying issues are YOU bringing into your homeschool?
Let's first address insecurities. Any one who is often seeking approval outside of themselves are in for a humdinger of a time teaching their own kid. Why? Because it is darned difficult to have your own children angry at you, and it is bound to happen! Especially once a child realizes how easily they can manipulate this insecurity for their own benefit . And trust me, kids are smart and wily, and if it gets them out of an unpleasant or challenging situation, they will not hesitate to yank on your heartstrings!
A homeschooling parent needs to develop a mental toughness based on a few facts. Firstly, all kids tend to redirect frustration into anger at their teachers. The hard part for us is that we are the parent as well, and they don't get to run to us for comfort complaining about Hairy Scary Mrs. Smith at the end of a school day. The anger is pointed right at us, in silence or screams, 24-7, until the situation causing the frustration is relieved. So know that it is perfectly healthy and normal for our kids to be ticked off at us!
Unfortunately for many kids, some parents will just cave repeatedly to this sort of attack. Instead of teaching the child to work through challenges and come out on the other side feeling accomplished and proud, the parent reinforces the child's frustration by agreeing that "it probably is too hard for you, honey." Can you see how defeating this is for your child's psyche? You feed into their phobia, and believe me, it will continue to grow until they see for themselves that they can learn even if the material is not simple.
The flip side to this is the other undeniable truth about kids: they are inherently fun seekers. This desire to seek fun at all times is often at odds with our best educational efforts. We are cramping their fun with all this learning stuff, and they would certainly rather be doing something they enjoy than drudging through history or algebra equations. (Again , I am speaking about the majority of kids here. I read about those who say "Learning=Fun" and even know a few who would prefer conjugating Latin verbs to playing video games, but most of us don't have those kids in our homes!)
Our clever charges do know the power they have playing upon our emotions. Some take the anger angle, dawdling and pouting until we let them pack it in early to go do something they prefer. How does this help them develop the maturity for adult life, when there are a myriad of un-fun but necessary tasks to face daily? I always say that a few hours of active learning is not TOO much to ask for teens!
Others mask their laziness through a cover of helplessness. We end up jumping through hoops trying to help them learn, yet their reluctance toward whatever subject is the true problem. It is far easier to feign inability in a subject than put forth a real effort to learn. Real effort comes from the heart, and if we coddle instead of challenge, we are perpetuating the problem. Teaching a child with a true disability, and watching her work so hard to overcome it successfully , will give you a real perspective on effort. HoneyGirl didn't just give up after a difficult morning. She would take a break, and try again in the afternoon or at night. She wanted to learn to read because she knew it was important. And frankly, most kids would rather create a crutch than learn to run.
I speak from experience on this one in my dealings with BuzzBoy and math. He swore for years that he was "not capable" of learning math, and we battled daily. I knew that he certainly could do it, but that he did not like to do anything that wasn't easy. Any challenge in any aspect of life usually met with resistence and excuses. Math certainly was challenging, but definitely something he could do IF he stopped being stubborn and really put forth effort. My DH did not understand why we were at always at odds, and suggested we outsource math.
After years of fighting, I accepted how much manipulation really was at play here, and wanted no more fighting. We had a family meeting, and BuzzBoy was told that we wanted him to be successful in math and were getting him a teacher that loves math. He needed to be responsible for his work and success: and there would be no missed assignments, and no dropping out. If he failed the class, he would retake it until he passed. We constantly told him he "could" do it, instead of buying into his claims.
This might sound really harsh to some of you. At first, I thought so too. But I am math-phobic, and the reality is that middle and high school math is NOT that difficult for a child of average intellegence to grasp if they put forth effort....period. But it does take practice, and that is a challenge for inherently lazy kids. The issue here really wasn't math...but a stubborn character.
Once he started taking math classes with other instructors with this sink or swim policy, he suddenly discovered that he indeed could do math. And he was pretty good at it as well. Sure, he balked at doing the work and kept claiming that he was bad at math. But over time, even he realized it wasn't the case. HE just didn't like the effort and time that math took compared with other subjects. Fast forward a few years, and he has learned to enjoy math and is not even shying away from his math-heavy major in engineering, something that would have been impossible if we hadn't stopped enabling him.
Another stumbling block for homeschooling parents is the tendency to unwittingly share our own history with our children. Are you math-phobic, or swear you haven't a creative bone in you? A lot of parents often project their own dislike for a subject onto their child. We need to look at our children as individuals and honestly access their strengths and weaknesses without excuse or personal bias.
A dear friend is very science and math oriented, and had always claimed that her daugthers were "just like her." She came to me for help in their writing, as they were struggling greatly because they had "analytical minds." After just a few sessions, I found that these three girls were highly creative, but didn't really understand how to put their oral stories into writing. All they needed was a little guidance from someone who wasn't "closed off" to writing to get them on their way. The mother was shocked at what the girls were able to create, and realized that her negativity had actually stiffled their success.
There is a difference between aiding our children and enabling them. Aiding a child is finding curriculum and method that matches their learning style, and adapting teaching schedules to their natural rhythms. SOmetimes it is giving breaks and redirection. Enabling is creating an atmosphere based on the path of least resisitence that becomes a challenge-less lifestyle. Children and teens especially need things to be proud of, and not just those things that come with ease. Accomplishing and conquering the hard stuff is often the very thing that will help them mature from an attitude of "Poor Me!" to "Yes, I Can!".
So remember when you are in the midst of struggle, the short term peace almost always undermines the long-term goal. Then one day, your child might turn to you and say "It was a great year, because I finally realized you are on my team." That, my friends, is priceless!
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