Juxtaposition....

The second day of the IEP process was better. The psychologist is just so supportive, and gave her a wonderful pep talk before beginning again. Honey, while still uncomfotable with being so vulnerable about her disabilities, is now trusting that the trial will be worth it in the end. And so we press on, for more sessions next week. Her perserverence amazes me for one so young, as she said, "Sometimes I am just going to have to step up and take on really difficult things, because in the end I am only helping myself. "

My DH arrived home late afternoon from another stint out-of-state. It was wonderful to just sit down together over a meal and really catch up on everything. It was only the three of us, so Honey was able to share her trials of the week and have his full attention. His encouragement and praise on her hard work and attitude was exactly the prescription she needed. She hugged and kissed us both, and went off to play on her computer.

The timing was perfect as Scout flew in, wanting to talk. He and a few of his cronies have decided that they want to drop out of the honors program. "The reality is that it's just a lot of hard work and it's just bringing down our GPA's, and the professors are idiots."

Both DH and I looked at each other. It was one of those wonderful moments where we did not need to discuss our views privately before a decision. We took turns outlining all the reasons that was NOT an option. His GPA is not suffering because the course work is too great, but because doing the work is interferring with fun. Dropping out of the honors program at the community college will not reflect positively when he tries to apply to transfer schools.

DH pointed out all the ways in which his focus on poor choices (procrastinating, partying, girlfriends, and general screwing around) could have been tempered toward greater success. He countered that a bunch of his buddies were dropping out, and he wanted to hang out with them more. DH did raise his voice here, as choosing to be a follower, especially one making poor choices, is something we don't abide. "You're not going to drop out just so you have more time to play Guitar Hero with a bunch of num-nuts."

A bigger and continuing issue is his arrogance in calling all these professors idiots. He's criticized the assignemtns, the readings, the lectures, the course work, and the grading. DH pointed out that he is again transferring the same attitude that he had toward me as teacher onto them. I enjoyed the colorful imagery he provided of a bunch of self-important piss ants disrespecting someone with far more experience and education, I must say.

I pointed out that he may have no idea what he will gain from each class until years later, and that the work only becomes more challenging as he moves forward. Moreover, why does he feel entitled to have it easy? Scout was not happy, and not in full agreement of our opinions. Still, he accepted our position without further argument.

When we were again alone, my DH and I shared a wonderful moment. The juxtaposition of having one brilliantly gifted child who feel justified to squander opportunities away, and one learning challenged child who is willing to do anything to simply have the possibility of the same opportunity. After all these years, he was able to see the unfairness of it all, and understand how this truth affected all of our interactions. Years of anger and blame melted away.

And I can tell you, it felt like Christmas.

"Flayed and Rawly Exposed"

The above is HoneyGirl's description of her first day of testing by the school psychologist.

We finally have decided that it is time for HoneyGirl to have an official IEP done and on record with the school district regarding her dyslexia and processing issues. It was a difficult choice, but we are looking ahead to college and have learned that there are many accomodations that can be made to help her succeed (untimed tests, typed essay exams instead of handwritten,etc.) Still, we both knew the process would not be fun.

The days leading up were very emotional for us both. Honey was going to have to fight years worth of tactics trying to mask her issues from others and suddenly be open and forthright about her challenges. More than that, she needs to fight the demons of doubt.

For somewhere deep inside, she has held this lingering fear that maybe she is just stupid. Deep-rooted, low-functioning, Forrest Gump dumb. She's never voiced this before. I claim with confidence that her fears are wrong, but the pained fear in her eyes makes me just hold her and let her cry it out. I cry too, wondering if I made a mistake in following advice to not have her IEP testing "officially" done when she was too young to understand and suffer this pain.

After a good cry, we had a good chat and dispelled a great many of her fears. We discussed cognitive processing, discerning and analytical thought and higher level ideas. We then discussed her challenges, and she was able to recognize the differences. Luckily, we know enough truly "dumb" people, and I had her laughing at the odd coincedence that most of them have dated her brother. :)

Honey went for her first session yesterday. The school psychologist is a lovely young woman with a very gentle nature. Honey tested for 3.5 hours while I sat in the hall grading papers. She had done all she could for the day, had a full on tension headache and was emotionally drained. She was tested on math skills, grammar, and reading comprehension, which she was comfortable with and expected. She was also tested on memory skills, rapid recall, and note taking. She had to write essays in a blue book, with no use of scratch paper to organize her thoughts.

As we walked down the hall to leave and I asked how she was feeling, she replied "Flayed and rawly exposed," and the tears streamed down her face. The frustration was overwhelming her. I brought her home, fed her and let her take a much needed, two-hour nap.

We chatted outside, then, and those fears again resurfaced. I admitted that I would be challenged to write an essay with no scatch paper or notes, without the computer, as would many I know. She was a bit relieved at that, but feels somewhat defeated. I do know that if I would allow it, she would quit the process right now and forget about any sort of college experience.

I, too, have all sorts of doubts. Not that she doesn't have the dyslexia that was diagnosed early on, but what if there are other sorts of issues that are also present? All these years, I could have been helping her learn about and develop for those as well. What if we discover that I have hindered her, without meaning too? I , too, feel flayed and rawly exposed as her parent/teacher.

We are going to see this through. As hard as it is to see her feel so vulnerable now, I also believe that having that accurate assessment on paper, from a professional, is going to help her more in the end by clearing up her self-doubt. Whether she chooses to go on to college or not, she will at least know that she has this done and can get any services she needs for greater success.

Keep us in your prayers these next two weeks...I think it's going to be an emotional rollercoaster.

Struggling with the Big Stuff...

Life has been difficult lately, and I've been pretty uncomfortable. Of course, I am one who likes to mull and maneuver to a good place instead of allowing the stream of gripes and ponderings flow like a faucet. I wasn't even sure if I was going to blog about it, but I wonder too, if some of you have been suffering discomfort over some of the same issues.

My DH truly hates his new job. We both know that he should be thankful that he was able to find one in this economy without taking a pay cut, but it is SO miserable, as the salaried employees are exploited terribly, and he is spending 12 hour days digging in ditches as a foreman. Not a good situation for a man who needs back surgery. He's looking, but the construction industry is so depressed.

In the meanwhile, he struggles through, but is in pain and grumpy. This too, gives me a bit of guilt, for while my co-op is successful, it is far from lucrative. I worry that if he is not able to find another position, I have to consider the reality that I might be forced to work full-time outside the home if his body fails.

Feeling entirely frustrated, I am doing something that I absolutely love for the first time in my life. I am VERY good at it, and the work is fulfilling. I know I now have three years to develop and branch this into something that has greater income potential, so that I can contribute more so he has more options.

The words "three years," I have also realized, can make my heart stop for a second. It hit me the other week that Reagan will be graduated in three years. This first year of high school has been true joy, and she and I are in such a great place. I am impressed with the young woman she is becoming every day. We have reached a new level of closeness, as she is at the place where she is spreading her wings but choosing to share everything with me, her closest confidant as well as mother. I am excited for her future, something she explores and wants to discuss all the time.

Yet it is a daunting task to every day take "me" out of the discussions. She speaks of careers and travel and possible relocation with such a spark in her eyes. I love that she has gained such confidence and independence. I smile and make positive suggestions, all the while holding back that little voice that wants to scream "NNNnnnooooooo! Don't leave me!!!"

I naively assumed that she would move on with her life and be near enough to visit often. I pictured helping each other in our gardens and weekend barbeques together. I forgot that while I was raising this independent young woman, she would obviously have other ideas.

But reality has a funny way of slapping me with the information that her plans and mine might not remain the same. I've realized that I, too, need to reevaluate my own plans. I need to continue giving her what she needs at this stage of her life, which is impartial support (not co-dependency!)

It's hard then, to take a deep look at your life at this stage. I'm having to step out of my wonderful comfort zone and analyze everything. I'm not liking some of the things I see in myself. I need to redirect energy into my health and hobbies and friendships. I need to seek my own joys , and give myself the skills to do so as I have taught her to do!

With all that whirling around in my head, I am more than a little impatient with, well, other people's bullshit. I'm especially struggling with a certain type of hypocrisy--and the recent flood of tactless, compassionless behavior stirred in my country. Even worse is the parroting of such hateful statements, especially regarding health care reform. Many Republican politicians are acting like tantrum throwing toddlers, and many folks I know are behaving just as childishly. (And I am a Republican , though did not vote that way in the national election)


I'm finding it hard to politely ignore such ridiculous hypocrisy any longer. Everyone of these women is a death or divorce away from needing such a program to continue their own health care. My mother lived and died this as part of the working poor that owned modest property after the divorce, and was therefore ineligible for care that would have diagnosed her easily treatable uterine cancer.

Can someone explain to me how folks can select their compassion? How can one of faith campaign for unborn children with fervor, but decide that health care for that same child, once outside the womb, is someone else's problem? How can their daily talk be peppered with references to God's intervenion to the most trivial aspects of life (Jesus had a parking spot right in front for me, answering my prayers!) yet refuse to see that for once, our government is doing something that will help people because it is the RIGHT thing to do, and maybe God had some influence in making that come to pass. (using their arguments.) 'Nuff said.

I am fully aware that with all the big stuff I am trying to figure out, I have no time for such nonsense. I only hope that I can find a way to lasso my tongue. For now, I am choosing to just walk away from those folks and focus on the positive things. I got enough right in my own house to handle !