My DH truly hates his new job. We both know that he should be thankful that he was able to find one in this economy without taking a pay cut, but it is SO miserable, as the salaried employees are exploited terribly, and he is spending 12 hour days digging in ditches as a foreman. Not a good situation for a man who needs back surgery. He's looking, but the construction industry is so depressed.
In the meanwhile, he struggles through, but is in pain and grumpy. This too, gives me a bit of guilt, for while my co-op is successful, it is far from lucrative. I worry that if he is not able to find another position, I have to consider the reality that I might be forced to work full-time outside the home if his body fails.
Feeling entirely frustrated, I am doing something that I absolutely love for the first time in my life. I am VERY good at it, and the work is fulfilling. I know I now have three years to develop and branch this into something that has greater income potential, so that I can contribute more so he has more options.
The words "three years," I have also realized, can make my heart stop for a second. It hit me the other week that Reagan will be graduated in three years. This first year of high school has been true joy, and she and I are in such a great place. I am impressed with the young woman she is becoming every day. We have reached a new level of closeness, as she is at the place where she is spreading her wings but choosing to share everything with me, her closest confidant as well as mother. I am excited for her future, something she explores and wants to discuss all the time.
Yet it is a daunting task to every day take "me" out of the discussions. She speaks of careers and travel and possible relocation with such a spark in her eyes. I love that she has gained such confidence and independence. I smile and make positive suggestions, all the while holding back that little voice that wants to scream "NNNnnnooooooo! Don't leave me!!!"
I naively assumed that she would move on with her life and be near enough to visit often. I pictured helping each other in our gardens and weekend barbeques together. I forgot that while I was raising this independent young woman, she would obviously have other ideas.
But reality has a funny way of slapping me with the information that her plans and mine might not remain the same. I've realized that I, too, need to reevaluate my own plans. I need to continue giving her what she needs at this stage of her life, which is impartial support (not co-dependency!)
It's hard then, to take a deep look at your life at this stage. I'm having to step out of my wonderful comfort zone and analyze everything. I'm not liking some of the things I see in myself. I need to redirect energy into my health and hobbies and friendships. I need to seek my own joys , and give myself the skills to do so as I have taught her to do!
With all that whirling around in my head, I am more than a little impatient with, well, other people's bullshit. I'm especially struggling with a certain type of hypocrisy--and the recent flood of tactless, compassionless behavior stirred in my country. Even worse is the parroting of such hateful statements, especially regarding health care reform. Many Republican politicians are acting like tantrum throwing toddlers, and many folks I know are behaving just as childishly. (And I am a Republican , though did not vote that way in the national election)
I'm finding it hard to politely ignore such ridiculous hypocrisy any longer. Everyone of these women is a death or divorce away from needing such a program to continue their own health care. My mother lived and died this as part of the working poor that owned modest property after the divorce, and was therefore ineligible for care that would have diagnosed her easily treatable uterine cancer.
Can someone explain to me how folks can select their compassion? How can one of faith campaign for unborn children with fervor, but decide that health care for that same child, once outside the womb, is someone else's problem? How can their daily talk be peppered with references to God's intervenion to the most trivial aspects of life (Jesus had a parking spot right in front for me, answering my prayers!) yet refuse to see that for once, our government is doing something that will help people because it is the RIGHT thing to do, and maybe God had some influence in making that come to pass. (using their arguments.) 'Nuff said.
I am fully aware that with all the big stuff I am trying to figure out, I have no time for such nonsense. I only hope that I can find a way to lasso my tongue. For now, I am choosing to just walk away from those folks and focus on the positive things. I got enough right in my own house to handle !
6 comments:
Big stuff to deal with. Rest assured that there are about 26 million people north of the border thinking the same thing you are on the political questions.
And maybe you could make the learning centre more financially sustainable sooner if you put some of that "you" time into planning for that. You have something important to offer here and there is a real need in your community. I have been developing my own network of support and whatnot online and there are a bunch of people out there trying to make their THING support them.
The other thought to throw into the mix is that now that the kids are almost grown, can you reduce your expenses? Not immediately in crisis mode but plan for that along with the income options.
You will figure this out. But it is really hard, especially when you have been so focused on being a mom. The trouble is, a good mom does herself out of a job.
Oh, don't get me started on the health care stuff. I have been sickened to the pit of my stomach by the response people have had to it. It is hard to sit in NZ and watch a supposedly wonderful country like USA treat its citizens ... okay, I just deleted a whole bunch of stuff! I have been outraged for years about the US every-man-for-himself approach to medical and social care ... nope, just deleted a whole lot more! Better I just say that I AGREE WITH YOU!
Sorry about your husband :-( Maybe you and Reagan could look at your schedule to see if there is a way to give you more time, so you could bring your future plans more into the present day. Maybe you don't have to wait three years.
I can't imagine Reagan ever going far from her mama for long! But oh, I feel your pain! I spent years trying to indoctrinate my dd into a fear of flying, so she wouldn't off and leave me, and now I realise she's probably going to spend 8 months a year of her adult life travelling overseas! I am just breathing. Breathing.
Can you come up here and be my friend??? I have a feeling we would get along quite well, LOL!
I won't offer advice, only support as you move along this part of your life journey, and a wish that your husband is able to maintain or improve his back pain situation.
Oh, don't get me going on the healthcare situation either. My Dad is a retired doc and I worked in his office for years, saw all kinds of things as "the system" changed. The only thing that saved our family from medical-related financial ruin was me telling my surgeon to hurry up and push my procedure through since my husband had surgery earlier in the same year (had to dip into the retirement fund to cover the deductible) and we would actually hit our ridiculously high deductible -- on top of paying for "insurance coverage." I've had much better results managing my health by reading, researching on the internet, focusing on prevention and using an alternative doc I pay for 100% out of pocket as needed.
I am sorry you're struggling with your hubby's job problems, his back trouble, and the financial uncertainty that brings. On the good side, I am glad Reagan is thriving in high school and so excited about the future! That is a tremendous thing to celebrate.
How is your book coming?
My husband's job is crazy too, and it may be just my perception, but it seems like employers know times are tough, and they can treat their employees rough right now because they just have to take it. That sucks.
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