"....Since I was Homeschooled" Cop-Out

Ever have one of those major blowouts with your significant other on parenting that throws you for a major loop? Yesterday was one such blowout for me; or actually , another one in a long chain over since last weekend. Each day, the argument that never settled had been building to a point where I realize that DH and I are not only not on the same page, but we are not even reading from the same book!

So for those of you who seem to think that QueenBee has a perfectly smooth hive dripping with honey and goodness, read on. Unfortunately, there are a lot of stingers in my hive as well....

You see, as wise a young soul as HoneyGirl is and as smooth as our relationship flows, I have the opposite dynamic with BuzzBoy. Buzz came into my life at 2 years old, and has a dear and tortured heart through his parent's divorce. I've been able to be the mother to him that his own was unwilling or incapable of being, and I tried my best to step in all around.

Some kids, though, have difficulties with the normal shaping processes of growth. Buzz has always had problems owning his mistakes without blaming others. This is a challenge for most parents, as the child truly fights growth against all logic. Unfortunately, being a step-parent has made it doubly difficult, because even the simplest of issues is mentally transformed into a big drama by pulling the "child of divorce" card. Surely, there are valid and residual emotional issues that stem from divorce, but in my experience, none of them is the direct cause of leaving plates in your room!

So, it is safe to say that he and I have always struggled with an antagonistic relationship whenever a disagreement arose. But, despite all the arguments, there was this darling big-hearted boy. That boy, when free of the bravado and challenge, was worth every single fight. Over the years, we began to see more and more of him, and the arguments lessened. I accepted the fact that Buzz would probably have issues of inadequacy for years that he needed to focus on me, until he was strong enough to deal directly with his issues of his birth mother's actions. I can deal with that.
I hold out hope that when he has passes through that, he and I will reach a new level of understanding and peace between us.

But in the last few months, a new dynamic has readed its' ugly head in the home. While it is normal for any teen drawing near to college to become anxious and full of questions over their future, a new mantra has arisen in our home. Let's call it the "....since I was homeschooled" excuse.

Here's an example of the myriad of ways this excuse can be used. Last week, KingBee, Buzz and I went to an open house for the science department of a local college. It was a very impressive program, as state schools go, with lots of opportunity for personalized discussions with professors, staff, and students.

After realizing how challenging the requirments for pre-engineering and/or physics were, Buzz said "That's going to be really challenging since I was homeschooled." I corrected that physics is a challenging major for any student, because of the subject matter, but that he could do it. I encouraged him to believe in himself, and remember that he will have a leg up on most other students as he will be taking a few college level classes next year.

KingBee contradicts, telling me that it will indeed be harder for him since he was homeschooled and hasn't had a much experience in a classroom. I explain that college is where independent learners have an edge over kids who are just rote learners, and Buzz will do fine. They both disagree, so I suggest that it isn't beneficial starting out giving excuses before even trying.

To quell their growing apprehension, we all go over to a few of the students and discuss the rigors of hte program. They alleviate a lot of fears, explaining the peer study groups with assigned tutors, a 9:1 student ratio, and professors who really strive for the kids to succeed. With everyone feeling a bit better, we move on.

Further walking on the campus tour brings us to the student activity board. Buzz begins getting excited, seeing all the different opportunities. I share my own college experience, that if you look at college as your day job Monday-Thurs, studying between classes and then for two hours after dinner, you can have the weekends free for fun. "That's great, because I haven't been able to have a social life and have a lot of catching up to do since I was homeschooled."

We round the bend, and realized that it is Homecoming Weekend. Buzz's eyes light up. He tells KingBee that he thinks it would be the coolest thing in the world to be on the football team. KingBee tells him "You should try out, because you haven't had any sports opportunities to since you were homeschooled."

I interject, with trepidation, as I know I am watching a testosterone-induced male bonding vision. KingBee had been a semi-pro player, and if he had been given the opportunity for college, would have been full scholarship despite not playing his last two years of when he was sent to a private Christian school. Buzz, however, has not played organized football since he was ten, because he didn't like getting hurt. Still, I know the male egos of a somewhat geeky kid who dreams of being the jock, and a father wishing to live vicariously through his son.

With my best effort at diplomacy, I suggest "as a former collegiate athlete, I really don't know if that is such a good idea. Playing a sport at this level requires a huge time commitment. You had both expressed concerns over the academic demands an hour ago, and this would seriously cut into his time with little reward."

I was promptly told that being known as a member of the football team would be the reward, and that I couldnt understand all he has "missed out on since he was homeschooled. " When I pointed out that he had the opportunity to play football for any number of local park teams, as well as for the high school for the last six years, I was told that it wasn't the same.

My logical mind is flipping out here...wondering what my husband is thinking. I mean, this school recruits heavily from a pool of kids who have been playing tackle football for seven to ten years, and have developed both a toughness and stamina. Having a winning season on Madden for Playstation does not equate an adequate knowledge of defensive and offensive schemes. I love Buzz, but I am also objective enough to know that he is not exactly football material.

I try a different approach, reminding them both of the wonderful opportunities through the intermural programs that would give him the camraderie of a team without taking so much time away from academics.
Both look at me like I'm an idiot, because that is not the same thing. Scout informs me that there is no homecoming or cheerleaders for intermurals, and he has missed out of breaking through a banner "since he was homeschooled."

At this point, I have lost some of my tact. I remind both of them that it is generally the starters that break through the banner, though I was able to stop myself before saying "not the walk-on third stringers." I realize that this is stemming from both of their "little brains" ; filled with visions of hot co-eds with pom-poms.

I elect to drop the subject, realizing that there is no reasoning when the bloodflow to the large brain is so impeded. Besides, we are a senior year of community college classes away from the reality of walk-on college football.

Still, I realize with grave concern that there was a whole lot of homeschool blame throughout the day. This is worrisome on many levels, but most of all because each and every year we decided as a family to continue homeschooling, and there had always been the option for him to return to a traditional setting. This far down the road, it seems as if both have conveniently decided that I alone made these decisions, and a lot of pro-active blame is being thrown around.

This weekend, unfortunately, another similar issue reared its' ugly head again. About a month ago we went to a homeschool bowling with a new group. Honey had met a few of the high school kids over the summer and become friends, but this was Buzz's first time (he had been working).

I could tell he was feeling a little awkward about knowing no one, and encouraged him to just be himself as they were nice kids. Unfortunately, he chose to don the "I'm so cool" bravado. Nothing I have said can convince him that his defense mechanism chases more folks away than encourages them to get to know him, and unfortunately, he effectively chases the majority of the nicer kids away. I did notice that at the end, there was only one young girl left listening to his stories.

A few weeks after bowling, one of the parents of this new group contacted me with a concerned message from her daughters. Apparently Buzz had begun talking regularly with this young girl on Facebook, and she had been lying to him about her age. They didn't want to pry, but thought he would want to know that said girl was 13, not the 15 she claimed. I confirmed the age with the parent, who has registration forms on all members of the group.

When I told Buzz, he said he was only being polite and was not interested in said girl at all. Unfortunately, I find out from KingBee this weekend that Buzz lied. He had asked the girl her age after speaking with me , and since she swore she wasn't lying, he decided the other girls and I were just trying to make trouble for him. They had begun making plans for when he was driving. When I explained the situation to KingBee, he said he would talk to him about the girl, as she is indeed too young.

I felt the bigger concern was his lack of respect and trust in me, as a parent. KingBee , however, felt that because I have been so negative about Buzz lately (football issue) it was perfectly understandable that he would doubt me. Stunned, I asked how the two issues could even be connected in either of their minds. The unfortunate reply was that " You don't realize how you have hindered his social life since he was homeschooled."

No need for a play by play, but suffice it to say that I lost it. Obviously, all the running around to social activities, clubs, practices, and get-togethers doesn't count. The open house policy I have always had with both kids friends doesn't seem to matter, nor the fact that their friends all seem to feel that we are two of the coolest parents around. KingBee feels that Buzz's difficulties making and keeping friends, both male and female, is my fault "since he was homeschooled."

HoneyGirl bravely steps into the room and asks if she can make a comment. She points out to KingBee that she has lots of friends, and she was homeschooled longer than Buzz and has a lot less activities. KingBee listens, but stands firm. She offers that Buzz tends to be kind of arrogant around other people, and while KingBee weighs this, he claims that if he had gone to school he would be different. Honey adds, "Maybe yes, or maybe he would be a bigger jerk," before leaving defeated. Sigh.

So., it seems that I have been officially scapegoated for all of Buzz real or anticipated academic and social inadequacies in both KingBee and Buzz's eyes. While convenient for both of them, I am completely unwilling to bear that burden. A long and most unpleasant argument ensued, which has left me emotionally exhausted and disillusioned. I am too blindsided by this to just continue on without some sort of changes , if for nothing more than self-preservation.

After a day alone of mixed pondering, prayer, and lots of tears, I've told KingBee that the relationship between Buzz and I has deteriorated to such a degree that it isn't benefical for either of us if I stay the primary person involved in his academic and social life. I can't be blamed for being negative for every correction made as a teacher yet held responsible for preparing him for higher academics. Even a friendly reminder of a test the next day is portrayed as negative picking.

I'm stepping back, forcing KingBee to step up and take the handle on this. Maybe they need a bit of time together to work through this, man style. I'm too exhausted to even want to go there anymore. Instead,
I will do the only positive thing I can do, and enjoy the extra time with HoneyGirl. And spend some time pulling the stingers out...cause they sure hurt.

Keep your Dysfunction to yourself!

Poor HoneyGirl is having a tough time of it with friends lately.

Last weekend, her BFF father had arranged for her to stay with us, as he was to be out of town for business. He is in the midst of an ugly divorce, where there is no cooperation. She planned for three weeks, coming up with all sorts of fun activities. Unfortunately, neither father or daughter decided to inform the mother of these arrangements until two days before .

Then, the night before (and after Dad is on a plane) to cancel the plans because she wants to leave for the weekend with the older daughter, leaving BFF to watch the 7yr old. I cannot imagine this girl being responsible for watching the younger, wilder sibling while the others trot out of state, but it isn't my call. A back and forth ensues for two hours over the girl's texts, where the mother (refusing to call me like an adult) asserts that I need to watch both kids for three day weekend for her or nothing at all. Not willing to go there, as we would be gone most of Saturday, plans were cancelled.

Halloween was supposed to be trick-or-treating with a bunch of friends in collaborative costumes of a Tim Burton theme, a sleepover party followed up with a trip to a local theme park's Halloween Scream today. She has been working on her costume for a week, proudly doing it all herself. Then Thursday night, I get a call from the mother that it is all cancelled because her daughter is grounded. Seems that the daughter had snuck her phone to text friends this week to make final plans. It had been taken away a MONTH before because she made the mistake of texting once during school hours.

As I sat with Honey, her frustration is almost as big as her disappointment. When you have a fourteen year old wishing aloud for friends who aren't from dysfunctional families, you know it is time for a big heart to heart.

She sat with me, snuggling, asking many practical questions.

Don't these kids know not to push their overstrict parent? Haven't they learned to give them lots of warning on plans so that they don't feel like it's being sprung on them?

And why are the parents so hyper-controlling with such ridiculously long punishments for small mistakes? Don't they know they just about force their kids into sneaking and lying to them because they feel so suffocated?
Don't they realize that kids would respect reasonable punishments more?


Problem is, I can only commiserate, as I wonder the same things. I would never cancel a party involving so many other kids the day before. I suggested starting the punishment the day after to the mom (a long-time friend), but she wanted her daughter's friends to hold her accountable for her actions as well. Sigh!

I see this far too often...parents who foolishly feel that wielding power over their kids is going to gain them respect. Kids are going to make mistakes. And if the punishment matches the mistake, they are made uncomfortable enough to encourage change, while still maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.

Honey wasn't really interested in trying to make other plans after that for trick-or-treating. Thankfully, her computer was back from repair and upgrade (more memory ), so she planned a night in gaming online with out-of- state friends. When the trick-or-treaters started arriving, she ran inside to dress up in her costume to hand out candy. She so enjoyed all the little kids, and we had a nice time reminiscing over Halloween memories from the past.

DUring a downtime, she hugged me, and thanked me for being a "just right" kind of parent. She shared that while she will still be friendly with these long time friends, she doesn't want to spend her teen years constantly having plans cancelled. This happened all summer long, and while it isn't totally the kids' fault, she's tired of being affected by problems not her own. We are going to make a point to pursue further other budding friendships with kids from healthy families. As Honey said, "Keep your dysfunction to yourself!"

We've got another driver in the house!

Buzz Boy's driving test appointment finally arrived yesterday afternoon. He had a healthy bit of nerves, but with all the driving he has done, was confident. He passed with flying colors, and even thanked me for encourging to take the little Saturn instead of the huge Navigator (I would have totally blown the parallel parking in that beast! ) .

Way to go Buzz!

Curricula Dilemma for Homeschool Science Revisited

For years I have struggled to find a scientifically sound yet affordable science curricula for middle and high schoolers. Every year, I hold out hope that someone is going to see this huge hole in our market, and fill the niche.

Last night, our co-op offered a workshop on "Homeschooling the High Schooler." Our state, PA, has some very definite academic requirements to fill for high schoolers: 4 English, 3 math (including algebra and geometry); 3 science (including biology and chemistry), American and World history, as well as number of other electives in humanities, PE and health. This can seem quite daunting to homeschoolers considering the high school years, so we hoped the informational seminar would show people just how easy it can be.

At the same time, I have been in the process of trying to create a four-year rotation for our co-op , so that parents could plan ahead for those subjects that they did not wish to teach at home or would just prefer covered in a classroom setting. As director, I am seeking opinion and feedback from parents as well as the teachers in creating this rotation to ensure that we are offering classes that meet the needs of our families.

I am finding that upper level science is again proving to be a dilemma, especially for an ecumenical group like ours. Our group is strongly committed to academic excellence and our core classes are geared toward college preparation. Apologia curricula is without a doubt the most popular science curricula for homeschoolers, but it's extreme New Earth Creationist bend is hard to swallow even for many devout Catholics, let alone secularists. Traditional high school materials, while less problematic in that middle area where science and faith overlap, is extremely costly for families and ridiculously expensive for teaching materials. Computer based courses are a nice middle ground, but limit the need for an instructor and class.

As director, I realize that I am faced with a near impossible task. There is no way to please everyone. In talking with the upper level science teachers (one an MD; the other PhD) I find them diametrically opposed on curricula as well. Sigh . The best option: allow each teacher to choose their own curricula, asking each to take the time to write up a brief outline to their position/method of teaching on those touchy issues like evolution, Creation that will be available for parents who ask. Those who are not comfortable with either can elect to teach the class at home (as I have done in the past). The lab portion of each will be open for students opting for a different text at home, with approval. Sigh!

I challenge those academics out there to strongly consider the challenge to step up and fill that need for the homeschooling community!!! I bet you'd be surprised at how profitable it could be for you.

Halloween Dream

My creative writing class has been studying the elements of tone and mood, using Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven." It might seem a daunting poem for middle schoolers if we were focusing on analysis, but it is ideal to illustrate how word choice and meter can be used together to create something really creepy!

Their assignment last week was to take a stab at it themselves, by creating either a five stanza poem or five paragraph narrative (minimum) in Poe's style. As usual, they challenged me to the same. I generally look at these challenges as "one more thing" for my overflowing to-do list, I actually had a blast with this. Sharing....


Halloween Dream

Amidst the autumn leaves a' rustling,
Comes the howls of spirits bustling.
Waking from their haunted slumber
To hues of gold, orange and umber.
As an inner compass points them,
Guides them to my humble door.

Early on bright smiles abound
Costumed innocents dance all around.
Politely prancing amongst lighted gourds
Like miniature ladies with their lords.
Laughing gaily on their swift ascent,
Drawing near my cottage door.

I watch them file down the leaf-strewn street,
Bonfires flicker; the mood complete.
I organize baskets, bowls, and trays
Of heaping, confectionery displays
I listen for the expectant knocking.
Rapping hopeful at my humble door.

Two young cowboys in red bandana;
Seven Hanna's, all from Montana.
Ninjas, puppies, stars in jewels
Witches, goblins, ghosts and ghouls.
I greet them, smiling; how I adore!
I tell them gladly,
“Take More, Take More!”

There were noble knights and a tortured queen,
A hoard of pirates from the Caribbean.
From Frankenstein to Mickey Mouse,
All descend upon my house
In search of sugared, sweet surprise
Waiting just behind my door.

With “Trick or Treat” upon their lips
And sacks of goodies on their hips,
Jovial masks hid the inner wanting
Of these spirits , oh so haunting.
A darkness lingers in their eyes
Piercing my soul with dread surprise
Unease became the mask I wore,
As I tell them,
“Take More, Take More! “

This grand parade of costumed feet
Kept marching faster, down my street
Frenzied forces quickly gather
All possessed by chocolate lather.
Glancing down, with grave foreboding
My cache of goodies; their hands unloading
Still they crash in waves galore,
I tell them feebly,
“Take More, Take More.”

My bowl of candy, quickly depleting
I weigh the option of retreating
From these grasping clawing creatures,
Adorned to hide their inner features
I tremble meekly behind my door
When I must tell them,
“There is no more.”

Those few words strike dark and quick
Sudden fog rises, dense and thick.
Angry tricksters without treats
Bang the glass, demanding sweets
I huddle, frightened, on the floor
As the costumed mob chants at the door,
Screaming as a demon choir,
“Give Us More”

The riotous throng continues growing
Louder torments , attacks they're throwing.
Their smiles replaced with ghoulish stares
If zombies mad for sugared fares
Overflowing porch and path
I shiver as I watch their wrath
Quickly rise to bolt the door,
To their building chants,
“Give Us More!”

Robin's Men, now far from merry
Circle round, their mood contrary
Princesses, once so demure
Hurl venomous taunts, hardly pure
Scaling walls, they shake my core,
I fret inside,
“There is No More.”

Lucifer's Hound! What sin so vile
That I deserve such tormented trial!
I hurriedly throw ope' the cupboard,
With sanguine bid, appease this hoard.
Macaroni or cans of soup
Will never calm this frothing group!
Outside the pulsing chorus implore,
“Give Us More! Give Us More!”

From the back I hear glass shatter
I need not look to know the matter.
The restless mob is closing in
Chanting o'er and o'er again,
“Give Us More”, endless repeat
I run and stumble in retreat.
Resigned I cower on the floor,
Knowing that there is no more.

A chainsaw motor rips to life
Soon to end my worried strife.
Great irony my life so fleet
Killed by those possessed with sweet.
As I prepare my flesh for coring
I hear not screams, but someone snoring?
My mind flings open this coma's door,
As dawning reveals a mighty snore.

Bated breath escapes with relief
Eyes blink back tears of disbelief.
Horrible dream! So soon surmised.
The night of mischief not yet realized.
A chuckle escapes, then a shiver.
I shudder, yet seek a merchant to deliver,
Safe, but still, I call the store,
My mind suggests,
“Get More, Get More!”

Dyslexia...beyond reading and writing

Honeygirl was unofficially diagnosed with dyslexia five years ago. After a brief panic and visit to the local school , I quickly realized that the best option for her was for me to learn how to help her adapt and continue homeschooling.

In the following two years, we tried many alternative methods, helping her ot make connections and practice through baby steps. It was a lot of hard work for her, but by the end of fifth grade, she was reading ABOVE grade level. Most importantly, she has developed the ability to read for pleasure, something I had thought impossible a few years before.

The next two years, we focused on her writing skills. She needed special help developing her own way to organize her thoughts, as well as practice to strengthen her fine motor skills. She took to the keyboard like a duck to water. Two years later, she was writing organized stories and papers on the computer, and she had begun teaching herself cursive.

And I sat around, praising her and patting myself on the back. Ignorantly, I was guilty of assuming that since she could read and write, her dyslexia issues were gone. Yet this year HoneyGirl is facing new and different presentations, now in math. We selected Math U See, as Buzz has been having great success with it for three years now, and the workbook format is extremely helpful (less chance for copying mistakes). I was admittedly too distracted to pick up on it quickly, and fell into the habit of pressuring her to focus more and stop being lazy. The more I did that, the more frustrated she became. Instead of looking for the source of the frustration, I compounded my error in assuming it was just hormones.

Last week's illness gave me a little time to slow down enough to really see that her problem's were not for lack of trying. PreAlgebra, with all of its' parenthesis, powers, and negative signs is a mine field for a dyslexic to wade through every day. Conceptually, she understands well, but there are just so many things for her to visually take in it is overwhelming.

I got some great advice from a dear friend (a special education professional and homeschool mom). This year I need ot help HoneyGirl not only to develop new adaptation in math, but to find productive ways to channel her frustration on a daily basis. Most of all, I need to slow down and trust her input. This year is critical for her self-esteem, and accelerated academic pressure from Mom is not going to help.

After an infamous Bee Family pow-wow, we decided to give extra time to math. We are going to try some different tactics, like using red to make parenthesis stand out, etc. until we find one that works. We are also going to start allowing her to use a calculator for basic computations when learning new concepts, so that her energy can be focused on the skill at hand, instead of being misdirected into long division,etc. I am giving her my undivided attention from 11-1 pm for this, as it is a strong learning time for her. While it probably wont' ever take that long, having a larger block of time is helpful so she doesn't feel rushed.

Honey admitted that she has been struggling with lots of anger, because she is just so tired of having to work five times harder at everything. She agrees that she needs an outlet, and after much discussion, wants to take up running. We talked with one of the moms from the co-op who is a physical therapist and marathon runner, and she was happy to work up a program to get her started out right.

We have that great dog-friendly park with grass trails that is all but vacant during mid-day. This week, we went twice after math; her running ahead with our Bernese/Rottie mix, and me walking behind iwth our overweight Golden Retreiver. She and Bear played ball in the field when they were done with their 2-mile walk/run, waiting for us. It's a win-win all around.

On a positive note, she has decided that she wants to counteract her feelings of frustration with math by stepping up and taking more individual responsibility for her other subjects after last weeks' success. After our walk on Wednesday, she sat down at the computer to work on her spooky narrative. After an hour, she was still typing away when Buzz and I went out on errands. She was still writing, hours later, when we returned, proudly printing off her three page rough draft. (it was a five paragraph assignment!)

I am constantly relearning that I need to bend myself to embrace the positives that she creates, and let go of my own constructs. We've both been much happier this week, and of now small consequence, math was a breeze as well.

Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel...

That metaphor has deep and varied meanings for me this week.
The obvious is that I am finally almost on top of things again after my bug. My kids did a great job taking care of themselves and feeding us, so that I could rest and recover quickly. But, I was still left with two weeks of other folks' kids work to correct, the next month's lessons to plan, and a challenge from my class to write a narrative poem in the style of Edgar Allan Poe (we've been studying "The Raven", and we're all inspired!)

Add to that all the administrative and planning duties of the co-op, and for next week's parent's informational meeting on "Homeschooling the Highschooler." This is also the final week before our big pancake fundraiser for BoyScouts as well, so I have been called away to planning meetings and set-ups as well. I cannot stress enough how much I want my over-committed October to be over!

Still, the week has not been a rushed chaos. I've been sleeping in. HoneyGirl has decided to continue doing most of her work independently, except math. It is a real positive move for her, as she has been struggling to develop some new and necessary coping skills. I had a very insightful and constructive conversation with a dear friend who is also a specialist with learning disabilities, and found that I had been inadvertantly mislabeling new issues, or presentations, of her dyslexia. We have totally shifted focus with some new techniques, and have had a wonderful week. I'll post more in detail on that later.

At the same time, I've been profoundly aware that I am in the final stretch with BuzzBoy. As I put together that American HIstory syllabus, I was all too aware that he could, according to the academic requirements of the state and his diploma program, graduate at the end of this year. Early graduation is a bit spooky to ponder.

Buzz made a point to ask what direction he would be taking next year multiple times this week. I assured him that we will not be shipping him off to school any earlier than planned. He seemed much relieved. He wants to try his hand at a few community college classes, and take some additional classes at the co-op purely for interest while he researches colleges and finishes his Eagle project.

Later this morning, Buzz, KingBee and I will spend the morning at an University Open House sponsored by the Science Department at his "safe" school. Not his first choice, but a solid and affordable school that is close enough to the area that he could come home occasionally with little trouble. Its a smaller school than the others, and a great place for Buzz to begin his search.

A relaxing November is so close, and soon enough, Buzz will be graduated and moving into the world. How is it that the days seems to go so slowly, but the years too quickly?