Keep your Dysfunction to yourself!

Poor HoneyGirl is having a tough time of it with friends lately.

Last weekend, her BFF father had arranged for her to stay with us, as he was to be out of town for business. He is in the midst of an ugly divorce, where there is no cooperation. She planned for three weeks, coming up with all sorts of fun activities. Unfortunately, neither father or daughter decided to inform the mother of these arrangements until two days before .

Then, the night before (and after Dad is on a plane) to cancel the plans because she wants to leave for the weekend with the older daughter, leaving BFF to watch the 7yr old. I cannot imagine this girl being responsible for watching the younger, wilder sibling while the others trot out of state, but it isn't my call. A back and forth ensues for two hours over the girl's texts, where the mother (refusing to call me like an adult) asserts that I need to watch both kids for three day weekend for her or nothing at all. Not willing to go there, as we would be gone most of Saturday, plans were cancelled.

Halloween was supposed to be trick-or-treating with a bunch of friends in collaborative costumes of a Tim Burton theme, a sleepover party followed up with a trip to a local theme park's Halloween Scream today. She has been working on her costume for a week, proudly doing it all herself. Then Thursday night, I get a call from the mother that it is all cancelled because her daughter is grounded. Seems that the daughter had snuck her phone to text friends this week to make final plans. It had been taken away a MONTH before because she made the mistake of texting once during school hours.

As I sat with Honey, her frustration is almost as big as her disappointment. When you have a fourteen year old wishing aloud for friends who aren't from dysfunctional families, you know it is time for a big heart to heart.

She sat with me, snuggling, asking many practical questions.

Don't these kids know not to push their overstrict parent? Haven't they learned to give them lots of warning on plans so that they don't feel like it's being sprung on them?

And why are the parents so hyper-controlling with such ridiculously long punishments for small mistakes? Don't they know they just about force their kids into sneaking and lying to them because they feel so suffocated?
Don't they realize that kids would respect reasonable punishments more?


Problem is, I can only commiserate, as I wonder the same things. I would never cancel a party involving so many other kids the day before. I suggested starting the punishment the day after to the mom (a long-time friend), but she wanted her daughter's friends to hold her accountable for her actions as well. Sigh!

I see this far too often...parents who foolishly feel that wielding power over their kids is going to gain them respect. Kids are going to make mistakes. And if the punishment matches the mistake, they are made uncomfortable enough to encourage change, while still maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.

Honey wasn't really interested in trying to make other plans after that for trick-or-treating. Thankfully, her computer was back from repair and upgrade (more memory ), so she planned a night in gaming online with out-of- state friends. When the trick-or-treaters started arriving, she ran inside to dress up in her costume to hand out candy. She so enjoyed all the little kids, and we had a nice time reminiscing over Halloween memories from the past.

DUring a downtime, she hugged me, and thanked me for being a "just right" kind of parent. She shared that while she will still be friendly with these long time friends, she doesn't want to spend her teen years constantly having plans cancelled. This happened all summer long, and while it isn't totally the kids' fault, she's tired of being affected by problems not her own. We are going to make a point to pursue further other budding friendships with kids from healthy families. As Honey said, "Keep your dysfunction to yourself!"