I have long preached the merits of teaching responsiblity in our children . I feel it is just as important as the three R's. It may be even more so, for a child that has been gradually made responsible in age-appropriate ways over the years is SO much easier to teach!
Of course, this thinking goes against popular culture. Even some of my closest friends disagree with me on this point. They wait on their teenagers hand and foot, while the teen lives a life of complete leisure. They work part time jobs to afford the newest gadgets or pay for a myriad of lessons them. All the while, constantly martyring themselves, for they don't do spend any money or time on themselves without feeling guilty.
I've never quite gotten how others feel it helps our teens to be responsiblity free around the home. There is no reason in the world that they cannot help with laundry, vacuming, and yard work. These are family chores, and they are part of the family! While none of these jobs is "fun", they certainly aren't awful, nor do they take a great deal of time.
I've always required my kids so help some, on the advice of one of the wisest women I've ever known: my grandmother. She was indeed a great dame; an uneducated farmer's daughter who took the work ethic she was raised with into the city to learn a trade (sewing) and make a wonderful life for herself. She made a small fortune, in those days, working in the Steel Mills during the war effort because she opted for piece work rate, knowing it was a golden opportunity if she only put out the effort. A single mother, she bought a house for herself and her aging parents that way.
My grandmother instructed me when my children were very young that responsibility is the key to a healthy and happy children. This idea seemed quite foreign to me, as I had been quite a spoiled only child. Yet she pointed out the simple truth that children need something to be proud of in order to build self esteem.
As we sat on her porch, she pointed to Buzz Boy, then four, happily following behind his daddy as he cut the lawn , marching around the yard with his little bubble mower.
" Kids are born with the desire to help. It is the foolish parent that stifles that, and props their children up like little royals. Growing up on the farm, we all learned about responsibility and work , and grew up helping iwthout complaining. "
I asked her if she had been paid for all her effort, because frankly, I hadn't done any chores as a kid unless there was a dime or nickel in it for me. She laughed.
"Honey, we were fed and housed, and that was enough. " She reminded me that I needed to step back and look at the big picture, and see that the best way to build work ethic is to teach responsiblity without payment. "You don't want your kids to grow up feeling that they have to be paid for everything they do, because they will then perform according to the pay rate. There are a lot of times in life when you have to work hard for very little, and you want them to understand the difference."
I've taken heart to her advice, and I have to say it has proven solid in my now teenagers. They work equally hard in volunteer situations as they do for wages. They help me with projects simply because I ask them for a hand, without expecting money. And they appreciate all that we do for them, because they have a real understanding of money and responsiblity.
Year later, I was turned onto the theories of the great educator, John Taylor Gatto. He gave historical data showing that it wasn't until after the Civil War that childhood moved from about 14 yr to 18yrs old. His research and beliefs were so aligned with Granny that I felt encouraged to continue the path.
This is all a very long segway into a great book that I am reading, The Case Against Adolesence" by Robert Epstein, Ph.D. I'm only a few chapters into it, but is seems that Dr. Epstein thinks a lot like Granny. I'm just finishing up the first section "The Case Against the Artifical Extension of Childhood", and I find myself nodding in agreement on every page. (Epstein even cites Gatto's "The Underground History of Education", which sold me on the spot! ) I love that he then goes on to talking about the "Capabilities of Young People", turning the book into an encouragement to see a different way than popular culture.
If anyone else chooses to pick this up, please let me know. I'd love to converse about it with others!
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7 comments:
I agree totally, people are surprised with how much Amelia does around the home and the farm, but this is OUR life and in order to be sane we must all work. Amelia does not get allowance either, I do not get paid to wash the dishes or sweep the floor, etc. During our very busy farm season Amelia does get paid because the work she does helps us financially so she should get rewarded accordingly.
That sounds like an interesting book, and it sounds like some of my parenting ideas are in line with yours. We also have kids who help around the house (when asked) without expecting to be paid. I LOVE your grandmother's point when seeing Buzz following his dad with a bubble mower. So true! At that age they are eager to help, to work, to be included.
There are some interesting histories of the invention of childhood. The victorian age was crucial here. And they had good reason to be concerned. The conditions of child labourers in the mills was appalling (read some labour history of New England and you'll get a taste of the equivalent situation in the US).
but I agree that people are taking it too far. I asked a neighbour a couple of years ago if her teenage girls would be interested in babysitting, thinking they would need the money, and she said she'd ask but they were probably too busy. WTF?
Yep. Totally with you on that. But of course you knew that already.
Sounds like a good book.
I just requested it from the library - it sounds like my cup of tea :-) My girls (13/9) are expected to contribute significantly to our household management (but of course they contribute far more mess than anyone else, too!). Adolescence is a funny thing; most people are perfectly happy to let their teenagers (and younger!) have plenty of access to lots of other mature things, especially surrounding culture and sexuality, and yet to my mind the child's ability to handle mature responsibilities is a cue that they are ready for mature privileges and complicated issues.
I have always believed that adolescence was a bad idea. I think it is the cause of many, many social problems today. I was going to say "in my parents' day ..." but infact I can say in *my* day, I was working from the age of 13. I had part-time jobs and also did volunteer work and work experience. It sounds funny and fuddy-duddy, but I believe it made me into the capable, level-headed adult I became. Whereas others of my generation, and so many children of this current generation, don't start developing maturity and self-responsibility until their 30s. If it was up to me, high school would be shrunk down to maybe 2 years and then teens would move up into *real* work or *real* education. A few hundred years ago, teenagers were ruling countries.
Having said that, I also feel very honoured to give my own daughter the opportunity to live for free in a safe and supportive home during the teen yearsso she can explore her options and develop herself fully, rather than struggling to survive in some grotty student flat with a bunch of strangers. My philosophy here is the same that underpins my homeschooling - if kids are protected from the worst ravages of bullying, peer pressure, and other harmful, unnecessary things that they must focus on for the sake of survival, they don't have as much energy to put into their self-development, building confidence and inner certainty, or learning. However, my dd *will* be working in and outside the home. She will be treated as a (young) adult who is responsible for herself and her choices.
Sorry for the long comment. ;-)
I just saw that book at the library. I'll check it out. My girls do not get an allowance, but our chore list has slipped a bit. This is a good reminder to me to get things pulled back together again!
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