I looked at the calendar yesterday, as well as a lot of my favorite blogs, and realized that the holidays are rapidly approaching. If I am going to consider any number of homemade gifts, I really need to start planning now.
My goal this year, however , is to also be a bit practical and try to utilize some of the bins and cupboard full of yarn and fabric I have been collecting. One could liken my habit of collecting everything fiber to a disease. And while I am not even hoping to recover from this penchant, I also realize that I can't buy anymore unless I make some room!
After spending an hour or so puttering around, I was amazed at the sheer volume of the stash. I have some favorite old stand-by patterns, like the flannel covered comfort bags that were such a success for teacher's gifts a few years back. I am also thinking about making a few simple tote bags with some other pieces stored away.
A few months ago, I whipped up a few crocheted cell phone holders that hang conveniently around the neck for HoneyGirl. She had this terrible habit of stuffing her phone in her pocket, and it would fall out often when she sat. I would post a pattern, but I never used one: just hte measurements of the phone. They were a big hit with her friends, and will be quick and easy to make for my female friends and family, and the perfect compliment to hold gift cards.
I am also dabbling to try to crochet HoneyGirl a funky guitar strap, for her acoustic. I've looked at patterns on the web for ideas, but will again try my hand at a self-designed pattern. The guys, unfortunately, don't wear scarves or wool hats, so I will have to think a bit harder on handmade gifts for them. Maybe knit golf club covers?
If nothing else, it is nice to give myself the break from all the lesson planning and business stuff to allow a little bit of the holiday spirit to sneak in. I'm off to grab some yarn, light a Gingerbread candle and get started!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
To be Content...
"To be content with myself and my life."
~HoneyGirlEach year around this time, HoneyGirl always wants to tweek her curricula. In years' past, this tweeking could be as small as an addition of a topic of interest or as large as a full blown unit on her newest passion while dropping everything else for a month or so.
The problem with getting older though, is that we are lacking less freedom to drop it all. We both realize that this year, the last before high school, there are subjects that simply must be continued to ensure a solid understanding. Then there are those classes that she is taking at the co-op, which continue on until May. There is still room, of course, to alter the direction of our social sciences and additional science at home, but not in the way of the past.
While we were on our walk yesterday, we actually became a little wistful at this realization. Honey is happy at the place she is at, and does not wish to jump into an unschooling lifestyle. She enjoys the consistency of algebra and her other classes, even if they are sometimes challenging. But the realization that she will soon be in high school seemed to lay in the air like a fog.
She discussed her tweeking as the pragmatist that she is; wanting to drop back on the geography and study more about civics and government. She wants to do a research paper on tornadoes for the science fair, and as such can turn that into a unit study all its' own. She has decided that she might like to be more selective about her co-op classes next year, to give her the freedom she likes at home in other subjects, and I suggest that she think a bit about her future goals, and then decide which classes will help her toward them.
"To be content with myself and my life," was her answer.
Smiling, we just walked in quiet for a while. That is quite profound for a 14 yr old; as most adults haven't yet figured that simple truth out for themselves. There are times when I forget this for myself. I thanked her, for being able to remind me that I need not get so wrapped up in a million different notions, but just remember to strive for our contentment.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Struggles and Discoveries
It's been an interesting bit of time here between my last few posts. I've needed a bit of time to mull over a few things with all the changes/drama of late. Something in me always needs to analyze all the aspects of a problem to understand and move forward.
I have again donned my tool belt, and played plumber with both bathroom sinks. I am still baffled at the time, but for the last month both have been hardly draining. Refusing to pay a plumber for what seemed like a simple repair, I gathered up the snake and some wrenches. I took both traps off and found them clogged...one with long blonde hair, and the other with a necklace belonging to Honey's friend. It was easy to do, and surprisingly fun. Maybe I need to think about this as a future career....and move to Canada where I have been told there will be a shortage of plummers in the next decade!
Homeschooling Honeygirl is the one constant positive. I am forever impressed with her resilience, even through hormonal teen years. She might have a lazy attitude one week, but then bounces back with new passion the next. She's more self-reliant all around.
Last week, she and KingBee has been watching a rock concert online, and she mentioned an interest in guitar. He confiscated the acoustic gathering dust in Buzz's room and gave it to her to play around with. In true unschooler style, she started watching instructional videos on YouTube for hours each evening. A few days later, she asked if I still had Music Ace computer program, as she now is ready to learn to read music.
HoneyGirl did experience some more stuggles in algebra, but we are again pleased with our ability to make adaptations. We began lessons on additive inverse, and visual of the equations was not translating through the Math U See block manipulatives. I tried explaining it a few different ways, but she had already been overwhelmed looking a page of problems like 3x+12=4x + 7 - 2x without understanding the concept.
Sensing her anxiety, I sent her out in the yard with the dogs and a ball . I dug out our favorite HandsOn Equations packets and manipulatives and balance. Within five minutes, this program helped her understand the concept of balancing both the unknown and the number to solve for x, and she banged through the lesson, and she asked to do another. It is amazing to me how the right manipulatives can turn algebra into a fun puzzle for her!
The situation with Buzz has settled itself with me in a very good place. I am amazed at how great a relief it has been to stop worrying and reminding him of his academic and extra-curricular responsibilities. I've felt a great release of frustration, and I realize that everyone around me was effected by the residual resentment I held at his negative attitude toward my guidance.
I am seeing that in a way, I was interfering with Buzz learning lessons he needs the only way he understands: the hard way. He missed a movie with friends because he had no clean clothing, letting his laundry pile up in his corner for almost three weeks. He's dropped the ball on some boy scout planning he was responsible for and has been called out by leadership. He's missed a few assignments for his other teachers', as well as forgotten to study for tests here at home. He has yet to work on his research paper that was assigned over a month ago, and is due next week.
Each time a problem arises, he comes to me to fix it. I have been very good about maintaining the stance of distance here. I remind him that he made a choice through inaction in each situation, and he now must be responsible for the fallout. He might leave our discussions frustrated and upset, but I now see that before, I would have also felt that way. Giving him the responsibility for himself has been life changing for me, and I hope will end up being life changing for him in the end!
On a positive note, he has realized we were serious when we told him that we would not pay for his expanded social life now that he has a license, and he has put in a few applications for part-time work. He has a great attitude about his financial responsibility and driving. We all think it would be good for him to fill his schedule a bit more as well.
KingBee and I have been working quite a bit out as well. It seems there was a major underlying stress that he was trying to keep from me last week. Over 75% of his company is being laid off , and he didn't want to let me know until he knew if he was part of these cuts. He seems to be working out a deal to stay on this winter, but will end up heading a job in Virginia all winter until the new contracts start in spring. There is still no excuse for acting like his stinger was shoved too far up his bottom, but I can understand how stressful this has been for him.
The economy is getting to us, as it is to everyone else. I have decided to get a seasonal holiday job for a few nights or weekends to rebuild our cushion and help with Christmas expenses. Not that I want lots of extra work, but I am too much of a worrier to not have a little something set aside for a rainy day. The benefit to Buzz having his license is that I am not playing chauffer for him any longer, and Honey is much more of a homebody. She is excited about the idea of cooking meals while I am gone for everyone.
I am discovering that there are a lot of exciting changes when your teenagers start taking on responsibilities for themselves (whether they want to or not! )
I have again donned my tool belt, and played plumber with both bathroom sinks. I am still baffled at the time, but for the last month both have been hardly draining. Refusing to pay a plumber for what seemed like a simple repair, I gathered up the snake and some wrenches. I took both traps off and found them clogged...one with long blonde hair, and the other with a necklace belonging to Honey's friend. It was easy to do, and surprisingly fun. Maybe I need to think about this as a future career....and move to Canada where I have been told there will be a shortage of plummers in the next decade!
Homeschooling Honeygirl is the one constant positive. I am forever impressed with her resilience, even through hormonal teen years. She might have a lazy attitude one week, but then bounces back with new passion the next. She's more self-reliant all around.
Last week, she and KingBee has been watching a rock concert online, and she mentioned an interest in guitar. He confiscated the acoustic gathering dust in Buzz's room and gave it to her to play around with. In true unschooler style, she started watching instructional videos on YouTube for hours each evening. A few days later, she asked if I still had Music Ace computer program, as she now is ready to learn to read music.
HoneyGirl did experience some more stuggles in algebra, but we are again pleased with our ability to make adaptations. We began lessons on additive inverse, and visual of the equations was not translating through the Math U See block manipulatives. I tried explaining it a few different ways, but she had already been overwhelmed looking a page of problems like 3x+12=4x + 7 - 2x without understanding the concept.
Sensing her anxiety, I sent her out in the yard with the dogs and a ball . I dug out our favorite HandsOn Equations packets and manipulatives and balance. Within five minutes, this program helped her understand the concept of balancing both the unknown and the number to solve for x, and she banged through the lesson, and she asked to do another. It is amazing to me how the right manipulatives can turn algebra into a fun puzzle for her!
The situation with Buzz has settled itself with me in a very good place. I am amazed at how great a relief it has been to stop worrying and reminding him of his academic and extra-curricular responsibilities. I've felt a great release of frustration, and I realize that everyone around me was effected by the residual resentment I held at his negative attitude toward my guidance.
I am seeing that in a way, I was interfering with Buzz learning lessons he needs the only way he understands: the hard way. He missed a movie with friends because he had no clean clothing, letting his laundry pile up in his corner for almost three weeks. He's dropped the ball on some boy scout planning he was responsible for and has been called out by leadership. He's missed a few assignments for his other teachers', as well as forgotten to study for tests here at home. He has yet to work on his research paper that was assigned over a month ago, and is due next week.
Each time a problem arises, he comes to me to fix it. I have been very good about maintaining the stance of distance here. I remind him that he made a choice through inaction in each situation, and he now must be responsible for the fallout. He might leave our discussions frustrated and upset, but I now see that before, I would have also felt that way. Giving him the responsibility for himself has been life changing for me, and I hope will end up being life changing for him in the end!
On a positive note, he has realized we were serious when we told him that we would not pay for his expanded social life now that he has a license, and he has put in a few applications for part-time work. He has a great attitude about his financial responsibility and driving. We all think it would be good for him to fill his schedule a bit more as well.
KingBee and I have been working quite a bit out as well. It seems there was a major underlying stress that he was trying to keep from me last week. Over 75% of his company is being laid off , and he didn't want to let me know until he knew if he was part of these cuts. He seems to be working out a deal to stay on this winter, but will end up heading a job in Virginia all winter until the new contracts start in spring. There is still no excuse for acting like his stinger was shoved too far up his bottom, but I can understand how stressful this has been for him.
The economy is getting to us, as it is to everyone else. I have decided to get a seasonal holiday job for a few nights or weekends to rebuild our cushion and help with Christmas expenses. Not that I want lots of extra work, but I am too much of a worrier to not have a little something set aside for a rainy day. The benefit to Buzz having his license is that I am not playing chauffer for him any longer, and Honey is much more of a homebody. She is excited about the idea of cooking meals while I am gone for everyone.
I am discovering that there are a lot of exciting changes when your teenagers start taking on responsibilities for themselves (whether they want to or not! )
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A different sort of election commentary...
I am so pleased that this election is over. I have felt as if I have endured an unwanted scrutiny of my beliefs, logic, and character throughout . As a longtime Republican, I did not cross parties frivolously. Yet an attitude of disdain was fairly constant even while I tried to not enter into debate. It is so sad to see how people can allow themselves to be divided over politics.
What has baffled me the most has been the absence of mention of statistics based on presidential history. One only needs to look at the records to know that it was highly unlikely any candidate of the same party as a current adminstration could win when that adminstration had made such a royal mess of things for two terms. It's just the nature of the political beast. I am thankful that the president elect is an intellegent and thoughtful man with a plan, and hope that his wisdom will be reflected in his cabinet choices, and his ability to work through the mess he is inheriting.
Despite all of this, I have found a silver lining to this whole process. For the first time ever, I have seen the youth of our nation yearning to know more about the presidential candidates and actively take part in the process. My own kids have not just listened to the media's views, but did research and questioned to develop their own opinions. We've been able to discuss the electoral process, presidential history and the long traditions of viscious and untrue mudlslinging. Our teenagers have not just been talking to us about the issues, but discussing it with each other with fervor.
The most exciting news from last night was the increase in first time and young voters. This should thrill everyone, black or white, Dem or Republican. It shows that our youth have stopped floating along without thinking about the big issues that effect us. They chose to step up in unprecidented numbers to give voice to the concerns about our economy, our world, and our environment.
I hope that this interest in things beyond themselves continues to build a better tomorrow for us all. Echoing the sentiments of the eloquent concession speech given my John McCain, I sincerely hope that all Americans can stop politicing and start focusing on fixing the enormous problems our country is facing.
What has baffled me the most has been the absence of mention of statistics based on presidential history. One only needs to look at the records to know that it was highly unlikely any candidate of the same party as a current adminstration could win when that adminstration had made such a royal mess of things for two terms. It's just the nature of the political beast. I am thankful that the president elect is an intellegent and thoughtful man with a plan, and hope that his wisdom will be reflected in his cabinet choices, and his ability to work through the mess he is inheriting.
Despite all of this, I have found a silver lining to this whole process. For the first time ever, I have seen the youth of our nation yearning to know more about the presidential candidates and actively take part in the process. My own kids have not just listened to the media's views, but did research and questioned to develop their own opinions. We've been able to discuss the electoral process, presidential history and the long traditions of viscious and untrue mudlslinging. Our teenagers have not just been talking to us about the issues, but discussing it with each other with fervor.
The most exciting news from last night was the increase in first time and young voters. This should thrill everyone, black or white, Dem or Republican. It shows that our youth have stopped floating along without thinking about the big issues that effect us. They chose to step up in unprecidented numbers to give voice to the concerns about our economy, our world, and our environment.
I hope that this interest in things beyond themselves continues to build a better tomorrow for us all. Echoing the sentiments of the eloquent concession speech given my John McCain, I sincerely hope that all Americans can stop politicing and start focusing on fixing the enormous problems our country is facing.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Focusing on the Positive
Thank you all so very much for the kind comments yesterday. It is so nice to have so much support out there. For now, I am trying to accept that the men in my life are going through some sort of emotional turmoil that is causing them to act like jerks. They'll get over it, hopefully sooner than later.
So I spent my morning commiserating with my closest friends, who helped me regain my confidence and perspective as all true girlfriends can. A blind-sided attack like that can shake even the strongest of foundations, and I needed some help resettling. The guys each have issues right now are not mine to bear, so I have packed them up and returned to sender.
I am instead focusing on the positive. I woke HoneyGirl, and we donned our fleece for a run/walk with the dogs before school on our favorite paths. As we laughed, I realized the silver lining to all of this. I am now able to give more energy to HoneyGirl, helping her to prepare for the transition to high school work and act as a sounding board as she develops new friendships and interests. She wants to delve even deeper into art, and has recently picked up Buzz's abandoned acoustic guitar, trying to teach herself with You tube instruction videos.
The longer I walked, the more excited I became about the new dynamics. For the first time in ages, I am choosing to be free of the unnecessary drama from Buzz. That isn't saying that I am going to stop all duties as mother and teacher. But it is saying that I have stopped "mothering" him.
Our relationship has, in fact, reached a state that is not mutually beneficial to me. And I refuse to martyr myself to anyone.
Buzz, on the other hand, is not so excited about the changes. He did ask first thing if he could postpone his regularly scheduled biology test because he hadn't studied on Sunday. He had the time, but chose to watch football. Unlike the past, he knew that my "no" meant "NO" , and didn't launch into a long pleading presentation of all the reasons I needed to give him a break. (Or maybe it was having my best friend sitting at the table having tea that stopped what would have been a very embarrassing scene).
The epiphany for me is that I might actually have been enabling some of his most annoying habits and our constant fighting through my deep desire for him to succeed. I wanted him to do well for his sake, of course, but also to prove to everyone that homeschooling was a great choice and I was doing a great job. Realization now is that his success at this point has little to do with the job I have done...and I'm done worrying about getting the blame.
Buzz told me that he feels as if I am abandoning my duties as a mother over one mistake. (see the manipulation at play here?) I clarified, for the first time in years, how my extra help was a gift, and nothing that he was entitled to receive. He was not quite thrilled to hear that I feel I have continued it far too long to his detriment out of fear or guilt, but that I was not stepping back to give him the opportunity to stand on his own merit.
He asked then what this new focus means, and I simply said that he needs to be responsible for himself without using me for a crutch. It's better that he learns to do this now, while at home, than when he is living away. It is better that now he goes to his father for any questions first.
Throughout the day, though, I began creating a mental list and I felt a weight lifting off of me. I will not be wasting energy ensuring that he has done all his assignments for other classes, or for me here at home. I won't worry if he has forgotten his planning or paperwork for Scouts. I won't be running around last minute to get him supplies he should have asked for days prior, so he can finish a project he procrastinated on for week.
Additionally, I no longer will listen to the drama and politics when he has difficulty getting along with peers. I will not overburden my busy schedule to volunteer in leadership capacity for his activities. He can now drive, so I also can take chauffeur off the list as well, and let KingBee in charge of permissions and curfews.
By evening, I was feeling transformed. KingBee came home and seems to feel nothing is amiss, so there was no need to damped my good mood with explanations or argument. Honey asked me to read her current fiction, and help her with a section she was having difficulty arranging. And for the first time in a long while, I didn't have to feel conflicted about giving her my full concentration. She hasn't said as much, but I know that my intuitive girl is already realizing the benefits of time for both of us.
It is time, I think, to break out the needlework and start something new! I've got time and patience to spare!
So I spent my morning commiserating with my closest friends, who helped me regain my confidence and perspective as all true girlfriends can. A blind-sided attack like that can shake even the strongest of foundations, and I needed some help resettling. The guys each have issues right now are not mine to bear, so I have packed them up and returned to sender.
I am instead focusing on the positive. I woke HoneyGirl, and we donned our fleece for a run/walk with the dogs before school on our favorite paths. As we laughed, I realized the silver lining to all of this. I am now able to give more energy to HoneyGirl, helping her to prepare for the transition to high school work and act as a sounding board as she develops new friendships and interests. She wants to delve even deeper into art, and has recently picked up Buzz's abandoned acoustic guitar, trying to teach herself with You tube instruction videos.
The longer I walked, the more excited I became about the new dynamics. For the first time in ages, I am choosing to be free of the unnecessary drama from Buzz. That isn't saying that I am going to stop all duties as mother and teacher. But it is saying that I have stopped "mothering" him.
Our relationship has, in fact, reached a state that is not mutually beneficial to me. And I refuse to martyr myself to anyone.
Buzz, on the other hand, is not so excited about the changes. He did ask first thing if he could postpone his regularly scheduled biology test because he hadn't studied on Sunday. He had the time, but chose to watch football. Unlike the past, he knew that my "no" meant "NO" , and didn't launch into a long pleading presentation of all the reasons I needed to give him a break. (Or maybe it was having my best friend sitting at the table having tea that stopped what would have been a very embarrassing scene).
The epiphany for me is that I might actually have been enabling some of his most annoying habits and our constant fighting through my deep desire for him to succeed. I wanted him to do well for his sake, of course, but also to prove to everyone that homeschooling was a great choice and I was doing a great job. Realization now is that his success at this point has little to do with the job I have done...and I'm done worrying about getting the blame.
Buzz told me that he feels as if I am abandoning my duties as a mother over one mistake. (see the manipulation at play here?) I clarified, for the first time in years, how my extra help was a gift, and nothing that he was entitled to receive. He was not quite thrilled to hear that I feel I have continued it far too long to his detriment out of fear or guilt, but that I was not stepping back to give him the opportunity to stand on his own merit.
He asked then what this new focus means, and I simply said that he needs to be responsible for himself without using me for a crutch. It's better that he learns to do this now, while at home, than when he is living away. It is better that now he goes to his father for any questions first.
Throughout the day, though, I began creating a mental list and I felt a weight lifting off of me. I will not be wasting energy ensuring that he has done all his assignments for other classes, or for me here at home. I won't worry if he has forgotten his planning or paperwork for Scouts. I won't be running around last minute to get him supplies he should have asked for days prior, so he can finish a project he procrastinated on for week.
Additionally, I no longer will listen to the drama and politics when he has difficulty getting along with peers. I will not overburden my busy schedule to volunteer in leadership capacity for his activities. He can now drive, so I also can take chauffeur off the list as well, and let KingBee in charge of permissions and curfews.
By evening, I was feeling transformed. KingBee came home and seems to feel nothing is amiss, so there was no need to damped my good mood with explanations or argument. Honey asked me to read her current fiction, and help her with a section she was having difficulty arranging. And for the first time in a long while, I didn't have to feel conflicted about giving her my full concentration. She hasn't said as much, but I know that my intuitive girl is already realizing the benefits of time for both of us.
It is time, I think, to break out the needlework and start something new! I've got time and patience to spare!
Monday, November 3, 2008
"....Since I was Homeschooled" Cop-Out
Ever have one of those major blowouts with your significant other on parenting that throws you for a major loop? Yesterday was one such blowout for me; or actually , another one in a long chain over since last weekend. Each day, the argument that never settled had been building to a point where I realize that DH and I are not only not on the same page, but we are not even reading from the same book!
So for those of you who seem to think that QueenBee has a perfectly smooth hive dripping with honey and goodness, read on. Unfortunately, there are a lot of stingers in my hive as well....
You see, as wise a young soul as HoneyGirl is and as smooth as our relationship flows, I have the opposite dynamic with BuzzBoy. Buzz came into my life at 2 years old, and has a dear and tortured heart through his parent's divorce. I've been able to be the mother to him that his own was unwilling or incapable of being, and I tried my best to step in all around.
Some kids, though, have difficulties with the normal shaping processes of growth. Buzz has always had problems owning his mistakes without blaming others. This is a challenge for most parents, as the child truly fights growth against all logic. Unfortunately, being a step-parent has made it doubly difficult, because even the simplest of issues is mentally transformed into a big drama by pulling the "child of divorce" card. Surely, there are valid and residual emotional issues that stem from divorce, but in my experience, none of them is the direct cause of leaving plates in your room!
So, it is safe to say that he and I have always struggled with an antagonistic relationship whenever a disagreement arose. But, despite all the arguments, there was this darling big-hearted boy. That boy, when free of the bravado and challenge, was worth every single fight. Over the years, we began to see more and more of him, and the arguments lessened. I accepted the fact that Buzz would probably have issues of inadequacy for years that he needed to focus on me, until he was strong enough to deal directly with his issues of his birth mother's actions. I can deal with that.
I hold out hope that when he has passes through that, he and I will reach a new level of understanding and peace between us.
But in the last few months, a new dynamic has readed its' ugly head in the home. While it is normal for any teen drawing near to college to become anxious and full of questions over their future, a new mantra has arisen in our home. Let's call it the "....since I was homeschooled" excuse.
Here's an example of the myriad of ways this excuse can be used. Last week, KingBee, Buzz and I went to an open house for the science department of a local college. It was a very impressive program, as state schools go, with lots of opportunity for personalized discussions with professors, staff, and students.
After realizing how challenging the requirments for pre-engineering and/or physics were, Buzz said "That's going to be really challenging since I was homeschooled." I corrected that physics is a challenging major for any student, because of the subject matter, but that he could do it. I encouraged him to believe in himself, and remember that he will have a leg up on most other students as he will be taking a few college level classes next year.
KingBee contradicts, telling me that it will indeed be harder for him since he was homeschooled and hasn't had a much experience in a classroom. I explain that college is where independent learners have an edge over kids who are just rote learners, and Buzz will do fine. They both disagree, so I suggest that it isn't beneficial starting out giving excuses before even trying.
To quell their growing apprehension, we all go over to a few of the students and discuss the rigors of hte program. They alleviate a lot of fears, explaining the peer study groups with assigned tutors, a 9:1 student ratio, and professors who really strive for the kids to succeed. With everyone feeling a bit better, we move on.
Further walking on the campus tour brings us to the student activity board. Buzz begins getting excited, seeing all the different opportunities. I share my own college experience, that if you look at college as your day job Monday-Thurs, studying between classes and then for two hours after dinner, you can have the weekends free for fun. "That's great, because I haven't been able to have a social life and have a lot of catching up to do since I was homeschooled."
We round the bend, and realized that it is Homecoming Weekend. Buzz's eyes light up. He tells KingBee that he thinks it would be the coolest thing in the world to be on the football team. KingBee tells him "You should try out, because you haven't had any sports opportunities to since you were homeschooled."
I interject, with trepidation, as I know I am watching a testosterone-induced male bonding vision. KingBee had been a semi-pro player, and if he had been given the opportunity for college, would have been full scholarship despite not playing his last two years of when he was sent to a private Christian school. Buzz, however, has not played organized football since he was ten, because he didn't like getting hurt. Still, I know the male egos of a somewhat geeky kid who dreams of being the jock, and a father wishing to live vicariously through his son.
With my best effort at diplomacy, I suggest "as a former collegiate athlete, I really don't know if that is such a good idea. Playing a sport at this level requires a huge time commitment. You had both expressed concerns over the academic demands an hour ago, and this would seriously cut into his time with little reward."
I was promptly told that being known as a member of the football team would be the reward, and that I couldnt understand all he has "missed out on since he was homeschooled. " When I pointed out that he had the opportunity to play football for any number of local park teams, as well as for the high school for the last six years, I was told that it wasn't the same.
My logical mind is flipping out here...wondering what my husband is thinking. I mean, this school recruits heavily from a pool of kids who have been playing tackle football for seven to ten years, and have developed both a toughness and stamina. Having a winning season on Madden for Playstation does not equate an adequate knowledge of defensive and offensive schemes. I love Buzz, but I am also objective enough to know that he is not exactly football material.
I try a different approach, reminding them both of the wonderful opportunities through the intermural programs that would give him the camraderie of a team without taking so much time away from academics.
Both look at me like I'm an idiot, because that is not the same thing. Scout informs me that there is no homecoming or cheerleaders for intermurals, and he has missed out of breaking through a banner "since he was homeschooled."
At this point, I have lost some of my tact. I remind both of them that it is generally the starters that break through the banner, though I was able to stop myself before saying "not the walk-on third stringers." I realize that this is stemming from both of their "little brains" ; filled with visions of hot co-eds with pom-poms.
I elect to drop the subject, realizing that there is no reasoning when the bloodflow to the large brain is so impeded. Besides, we are a senior year of community college classes away from the reality of walk-on college football.
Still, I realize with grave concern that there was a whole lot of homeschool blame throughout the day. This is worrisome on many levels, but most of all because each and every year we decided as a family to continue homeschooling, and there had always been the option for him to return to a traditional setting. This far down the road, it seems as if both have conveniently decided that I alone made these decisions, and a lot of pro-active blame is being thrown around.
This weekend, unfortunately, another similar issue reared its' ugly head again. About a month ago we went to a homeschool bowling with a new group. Honey had met a few of the high school kids over the summer and become friends, but this was Buzz's first time (he had been working).
I could tell he was feeling a little awkward about knowing no one, and encouraged him to just be himself as they were nice kids. Unfortunately, he chose to don the "I'm so cool" bravado. Nothing I have said can convince him that his defense mechanism chases more folks away than encourages them to get to know him, and unfortunately, he effectively chases the majority of the nicer kids away. I did notice that at the end, there was only one young girl left listening to his stories.
A few weeks after bowling, one of the parents of this new group contacted me with a concerned message from her daughters. Apparently Buzz had begun talking regularly with this young girl on Facebook, and she had been lying to him about her age. They didn't want to pry, but thought he would want to know that said girl was 13, not the 15 she claimed. I confirmed the age with the parent, who has registration forms on all members of the group.
When I told Buzz, he said he was only being polite and was not interested in said girl at all. Unfortunately, I find out from KingBee this weekend that Buzz lied. He had asked the girl her age after speaking with me , and since she swore she wasn't lying, he decided the other girls and I were just trying to make trouble for him. They had begun making plans for when he was driving. When I explained the situation to KingBee, he said he would talk to him about the girl, as she is indeed too young.
I felt the bigger concern was his lack of respect and trust in me, as a parent. KingBee , however, felt that because I have been so negative about Buzz lately (football issue) it was perfectly understandable that he would doubt me. Stunned, I asked how the two issues could even be connected in either of their minds. The unfortunate reply was that " You don't realize how you have hindered his social life since he was homeschooled."
No need for a play by play, but suffice it to say that I lost it. Obviously, all the running around to social activities, clubs, practices, and get-togethers doesn't count. The open house policy I have always had with both kids friends doesn't seem to matter, nor the fact that their friends all seem to feel that we are two of the coolest parents around. KingBee feels that Buzz's difficulties making and keeping friends, both male and female, is my fault "since he was homeschooled."
HoneyGirl bravely steps into the room and asks if she can make a comment. She points out to KingBee that she has lots of friends, and she was homeschooled longer than Buzz and has a lot less activities. KingBee listens, but stands firm. She offers that Buzz tends to be kind of arrogant around other people, and while KingBee weighs this, he claims that if he had gone to school he would be different. Honey adds, "Maybe yes, or maybe he would be a bigger jerk," before leaving defeated. Sigh.
So., it seems that I have been officially scapegoated for all of Buzz real or anticipated academic and social inadequacies in both KingBee and Buzz's eyes. While convenient for both of them, I am completely unwilling to bear that burden. A long and most unpleasant argument ensued, which has left me emotionally exhausted and disillusioned. I am too blindsided by this to just continue on without some sort of changes , if for nothing more than self-preservation.
After a day alone of mixed pondering, prayer, and lots of tears, I've told KingBee that the relationship between Buzz and I has deteriorated to such a degree that it isn't benefical for either of us if I stay the primary person involved in his academic and social life. I can't be blamed for being negative for every correction made as a teacher yet held responsible for preparing him for higher academics. Even a friendly reminder of a test the next day is portrayed as negative picking.
I'm stepping back, forcing KingBee to step up and take the handle on this. Maybe they need a bit of time together to work through this, man style. I'm too exhausted to even want to go there anymore. Instead,
I will do the only positive thing I can do, and enjoy the extra time with HoneyGirl. And spend some time pulling the stingers out...cause they sure hurt.
So for those of you who seem to think that QueenBee has a perfectly smooth hive dripping with honey and goodness, read on. Unfortunately, there are a lot of stingers in my hive as well....
You see, as wise a young soul as HoneyGirl is and as smooth as our relationship flows, I have the opposite dynamic with BuzzBoy. Buzz came into my life at 2 years old, and has a dear and tortured heart through his parent's divorce. I've been able to be the mother to him that his own was unwilling or incapable of being, and I tried my best to step in all around.
Some kids, though, have difficulties with the normal shaping processes of growth. Buzz has always had problems owning his mistakes without blaming others. This is a challenge for most parents, as the child truly fights growth against all logic. Unfortunately, being a step-parent has made it doubly difficult, because even the simplest of issues is mentally transformed into a big drama by pulling the "child of divorce" card. Surely, there are valid and residual emotional issues that stem from divorce, but in my experience, none of them is the direct cause of leaving plates in your room!
So, it is safe to say that he and I have always struggled with an antagonistic relationship whenever a disagreement arose. But, despite all the arguments, there was this darling big-hearted boy. That boy, when free of the bravado and challenge, was worth every single fight. Over the years, we began to see more and more of him, and the arguments lessened. I accepted the fact that Buzz would probably have issues of inadequacy for years that he needed to focus on me, until he was strong enough to deal directly with his issues of his birth mother's actions. I can deal with that.
I hold out hope that when he has passes through that, he and I will reach a new level of understanding and peace between us.
But in the last few months, a new dynamic has readed its' ugly head in the home. While it is normal for any teen drawing near to college to become anxious and full of questions over their future, a new mantra has arisen in our home. Let's call it the "....since I was homeschooled" excuse.
Here's an example of the myriad of ways this excuse can be used. Last week, KingBee, Buzz and I went to an open house for the science department of a local college. It was a very impressive program, as state schools go, with lots of opportunity for personalized discussions with professors, staff, and students.
After realizing how challenging the requirments for pre-engineering and/or physics were, Buzz said "That's going to be really challenging since I was homeschooled." I corrected that physics is a challenging major for any student, because of the subject matter, but that he could do it. I encouraged him to believe in himself, and remember that he will have a leg up on most other students as he will be taking a few college level classes next year.
KingBee contradicts, telling me that it will indeed be harder for him since he was homeschooled and hasn't had a much experience in a classroom. I explain that college is where independent learners have an edge over kids who are just rote learners, and Buzz will do fine. They both disagree, so I suggest that it isn't beneficial starting out giving excuses before even trying.
To quell their growing apprehension, we all go over to a few of the students and discuss the rigors of hte program. They alleviate a lot of fears, explaining the peer study groups with assigned tutors, a 9:1 student ratio, and professors who really strive for the kids to succeed. With everyone feeling a bit better, we move on.
Further walking on the campus tour brings us to the student activity board. Buzz begins getting excited, seeing all the different opportunities. I share my own college experience, that if you look at college as your day job Monday-Thurs, studying between classes and then for two hours after dinner, you can have the weekends free for fun. "That's great, because I haven't been able to have a social life and have a lot of catching up to do since I was homeschooled."
We round the bend, and realized that it is Homecoming Weekend. Buzz's eyes light up. He tells KingBee that he thinks it would be the coolest thing in the world to be on the football team. KingBee tells him "You should try out, because you haven't had any sports opportunities to since you were homeschooled."
I interject, with trepidation, as I know I am watching a testosterone-induced male bonding vision. KingBee had been a semi-pro player, and if he had been given the opportunity for college, would have been full scholarship despite not playing his last two years of when he was sent to a private Christian school. Buzz, however, has not played organized football since he was ten, because he didn't like getting hurt. Still, I know the male egos of a somewhat geeky kid who dreams of being the jock, and a father wishing to live vicariously through his son.
With my best effort at diplomacy, I suggest "as a former collegiate athlete, I really don't know if that is such a good idea. Playing a sport at this level requires a huge time commitment. You had both expressed concerns over the academic demands an hour ago, and this would seriously cut into his time with little reward."
I was promptly told that being known as a member of the football team would be the reward, and that I couldnt understand all he has "missed out on since he was homeschooled. " When I pointed out that he had the opportunity to play football for any number of local park teams, as well as for the high school for the last six years, I was told that it wasn't the same.
My logical mind is flipping out here...wondering what my husband is thinking. I mean, this school recruits heavily from a pool of kids who have been playing tackle football for seven to ten years, and have developed both a toughness and stamina. Having a winning season on Madden for Playstation does not equate an adequate knowledge of defensive and offensive schemes. I love Buzz, but I am also objective enough to know that he is not exactly football material.
I try a different approach, reminding them both of the wonderful opportunities through the intermural programs that would give him the camraderie of a team without taking so much time away from academics.
Both look at me like I'm an idiot, because that is not the same thing. Scout informs me that there is no homecoming or cheerleaders for intermurals, and he has missed out of breaking through a banner "since he was homeschooled."
At this point, I have lost some of my tact. I remind both of them that it is generally the starters that break through the banner, though I was able to stop myself before saying "not the walk-on third stringers." I realize that this is stemming from both of their "little brains" ; filled with visions of hot co-eds with pom-poms.
I elect to drop the subject, realizing that there is no reasoning when the bloodflow to the large brain is so impeded. Besides, we are a senior year of community college classes away from the reality of walk-on college football.
Still, I realize with grave concern that there was a whole lot of homeschool blame throughout the day. This is worrisome on many levels, but most of all because each and every year we decided as a family to continue homeschooling, and there had always been the option for him to return to a traditional setting. This far down the road, it seems as if both have conveniently decided that I alone made these decisions, and a lot of pro-active blame is being thrown around.
This weekend, unfortunately, another similar issue reared its' ugly head again. About a month ago we went to a homeschool bowling with a new group. Honey had met a few of the high school kids over the summer and become friends, but this was Buzz's first time (he had been working).
I could tell he was feeling a little awkward about knowing no one, and encouraged him to just be himself as they were nice kids. Unfortunately, he chose to don the "I'm so cool" bravado. Nothing I have said can convince him that his defense mechanism chases more folks away than encourages them to get to know him, and unfortunately, he effectively chases the majority of the nicer kids away. I did notice that at the end, there was only one young girl left listening to his stories.
A few weeks after bowling, one of the parents of this new group contacted me with a concerned message from her daughters. Apparently Buzz had begun talking regularly with this young girl on Facebook, and she had been lying to him about her age. They didn't want to pry, but thought he would want to know that said girl was 13, not the 15 she claimed. I confirmed the age with the parent, who has registration forms on all members of the group.
When I told Buzz, he said he was only being polite and was not interested in said girl at all. Unfortunately, I find out from KingBee this weekend that Buzz lied. He had asked the girl her age after speaking with me , and since she swore she wasn't lying, he decided the other girls and I were just trying to make trouble for him. They had begun making plans for when he was driving. When I explained the situation to KingBee, he said he would talk to him about the girl, as she is indeed too young.
I felt the bigger concern was his lack of respect and trust in me, as a parent. KingBee , however, felt that because I have been so negative about Buzz lately (football issue) it was perfectly understandable that he would doubt me. Stunned, I asked how the two issues could even be connected in either of their minds. The unfortunate reply was that " You don't realize how you have hindered his social life since he was homeschooled."
No need for a play by play, but suffice it to say that I lost it. Obviously, all the running around to social activities, clubs, practices, and get-togethers doesn't count. The open house policy I have always had with both kids friends doesn't seem to matter, nor the fact that their friends all seem to feel that we are two of the coolest parents around. KingBee feels that Buzz's difficulties making and keeping friends, both male and female, is my fault "since he was homeschooled."
HoneyGirl bravely steps into the room and asks if she can make a comment. She points out to KingBee that she has lots of friends, and she was homeschooled longer than Buzz and has a lot less activities. KingBee listens, but stands firm. She offers that Buzz tends to be kind of arrogant around other people, and while KingBee weighs this, he claims that if he had gone to school he would be different. Honey adds, "Maybe yes, or maybe he would be a bigger jerk," before leaving defeated. Sigh.
So., it seems that I have been officially scapegoated for all of Buzz real or anticipated academic and social inadequacies in both KingBee and Buzz's eyes. While convenient for both of them, I am completely unwilling to bear that burden. A long and most unpleasant argument ensued, which has left me emotionally exhausted and disillusioned. I am too blindsided by this to just continue on without some sort of changes , if for nothing more than self-preservation.
After a day alone of mixed pondering, prayer, and lots of tears, I've told KingBee that the relationship between Buzz and I has deteriorated to such a degree that it isn't benefical for either of us if I stay the primary person involved in his academic and social life. I can't be blamed for being negative for every correction made as a teacher yet held responsible for preparing him for higher academics. Even a friendly reminder of a test the next day is portrayed as negative picking.
I'm stepping back, forcing KingBee to step up and take the handle on this. Maybe they need a bit of time together to work through this, man style. I'm too exhausted to even want to go there anymore. Instead,
I will do the only positive thing I can do, and enjoy the extra time with HoneyGirl. And spend some time pulling the stingers out...cause they sure hurt.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Keep your Dysfunction to yourself!
Poor HoneyGirl is having a tough time of it with friends lately.
Last weekend, her BFF father had arranged for her to stay with us, as he was to be out of town for business. He is in the midst of an ugly divorce, where there is no cooperation. She planned for three weeks, coming up with all sorts of fun activities. Unfortunately, neither father or daughter decided to inform the mother of these arrangements until two days before .
Then, the night before (and after Dad is on a plane) to cancel the plans because she wants to leave for the weekend with the older daughter, leaving BFF to watch the 7yr old. I cannot imagine this girl being responsible for watching the younger, wilder sibling while the others trot out of state, but it isn't my call. A back and forth ensues for two hours over the girl's texts, where the mother (refusing to call me like an adult) asserts that I need to watch both kids for three day weekend for her or nothing at all. Not willing to go there, as we would be gone most of Saturday, plans were cancelled.
Halloween was supposed to be trick-or-treating with a bunch of friends in collaborative costumes of a Tim Burton theme, a sleepover party followed up with a trip to a local theme park's Halloween Scream today. She has been working on her costume for a week, proudly doing it all herself. Then Thursday night, I get a call from the mother that it is all cancelled because her daughter is grounded. Seems that the daughter had snuck her phone to text friends this week to make final plans. It had been taken away a MONTH before because she made the mistake of texting once during school hours.
As I sat with Honey, her frustration is almost as big as her disappointment. When you have a fourteen year old wishing aloud for friends who aren't from dysfunctional families, you know it is time for a big heart to heart.
She sat with me, snuggling, asking many practical questions.
Don't these kids know not to push their overstrict parent? Haven't they learned to give them lots of warning on plans so that they don't feel like it's being sprung on them?
And why are the parents so hyper-controlling with such ridiculously long punishments for small mistakes? Don't they know they just about force their kids into sneaking and lying to them because they feel so suffocated?
Don't they realize that kids would respect reasonable punishments more?
Problem is, I can only commiserate, as I wonder the same things. I would never cancel a party involving so many other kids the day before. I suggested starting the punishment the day after to the mom (a long-time friend), but she wanted her daughter's friends to hold her accountable for her actions as well. Sigh!
I see this far too often...parents who foolishly feel that wielding power over their kids is going to gain them respect. Kids are going to make mistakes. And if the punishment matches the mistake, they are made uncomfortable enough to encourage change, while still maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.
Honey wasn't really interested in trying to make other plans after that for trick-or-treating. Thankfully, her computer was back from repair and upgrade (more memory ), so she planned a night in gaming online with out-of- state friends. When the trick-or-treaters started arriving, she ran inside to dress up in her costume to hand out candy. She so enjoyed all the little kids, and we had a nice time reminiscing over Halloween memories from the past.
DUring a downtime, she hugged me, and thanked me for being a "just right" kind of parent. She shared that while she will still be friendly with these long time friends, she doesn't want to spend her teen years constantly having plans cancelled. This happened all summer long, and while it isn't totally the kids' fault, she's tired of being affected by problems not her own. We are going to make a point to pursue further other budding friendships with kids from healthy families. As Honey said, "Keep your dysfunction to yourself!"
Last weekend, her BFF father had arranged for her to stay with us, as he was to be out of town for business. He is in the midst of an ugly divorce, where there is no cooperation. She planned for three weeks, coming up with all sorts of fun activities. Unfortunately, neither father or daughter decided to inform the mother of these arrangements until two days before .
Then, the night before (and after Dad is on a plane) to cancel the plans because she wants to leave for the weekend with the older daughter, leaving BFF to watch the 7yr old. I cannot imagine this girl being responsible for watching the younger, wilder sibling while the others trot out of state, but it isn't my call. A back and forth ensues for two hours over the girl's texts, where the mother (refusing to call me like an adult) asserts that I need to watch both kids for three day weekend for her or nothing at all. Not willing to go there, as we would be gone most of Saturday, plans were cancelled.
Halloween was supposed to be trick-or-treating with a bunch of friends in collaborative costumes of a Tim Burton theme, a sleepover party followed up with a trip to a local theme park's Halloween Scream today. She has been working on her costume for a week, proudly doing it all herself. Then Thursday night, I get a call from the mother that it is all cancelled because her daughter is grounded. Seems that the daughter had snuck her phone to text friends this week to make final plans. It had been taken away a MONTH before because she made the mistake of texting once during school hours.
As I sat with Honey, her frustration is almost as big as her disappointment. When you have a fourteen year old wishing aloud for friends who aren't from dysfunctional families, you know it is time for a big heart to heart.
She sat with me, snuggling, asking many practical questions.
Don't these kids know not to push their overstrict parent? Haven't they learned to give them lots of warning on plans so that they don't feel like it's being sprung on them?
And why are the parents so hyper-controlling with such ridiculously long punishments for small mistakes? Don't they know they just about force their kids into sneaking and lying to them because they feel so suffocated?
Don't they realize that kids would respect reasonable punishments more?
Problem is, I can only commiserate, as I wonder the same things. I would never cancel a party involving so many other kids the day before. I suggested starting the punishment the day after to the mom (a long-time friend), but she wanted her daughter's friends to hold her accountable for her actions as well. Sigh!
I see this far too often...parents who foolishly feel that wielding power over their kids is going to gain them respect. Kids are going to make mistakes. And if the punishment matches the mistake, they are made uncomfortable enough to encourage change, while still maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.
Honey wasn't really interested in trying to make other plans after that for trick-or-treating. Thankfully, her computer was back from repair and upgrade (more memory ), so she planned a night in gaming online with out-of- state friends. When the trick-or-treaters started arriving, she ran inside to dress up in her costume to hand out candy. She so enjoyed all the little kids, and we had a nice time reminiscing over Halloween memories from the past.
DUring a downtime, she hugged me, and thanked me for being a "just right" kind of parent. She shared that while she will still be friendly with these long time friends, she doesn't want to spend her teen years constantly having plans cancelled. This happened all summer long, and while it isn't totally the kids' fault, she's tired of being affected by problems not her own. We are going to make a point to pursue further other budding friendships with kids from healthy families. As Honey said, "Keep your dysfunction to yourself!"
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