Training Diligence and Character

I've had many thoughts rumbling about in my head about training diligence and character in homeschooling for a while. I've touched on it in the past, but had never quite been able to explain my thinking on the subject clearly without major criticism. But as my second child is entering high school and is asking pointed questions about my philosophy in an effort to understand, I realized it was time to revisit a full analysis.

Sarah commented with a bit of surprise about Buzz's scholarship, as she had the perception that he was a rather poor student. I have to say that he absolutely is, if left to his own devices. However, he also possesses a brilliant mind and endearing presence. As such, I pushed, pleaded, and pulled him, sometimes kicking and screaming, toward a high set standard that matched his ability.

I recognized this brilliant and capable mind early on. I also recognized a personality solely geared toward the seeking of fun and attention. My son was indeed a natural clown; a child who would rather make others laugh with fart jokes than apply himself in any way. I'm not going to go down the road of psychological analysis here; suffice it to say that there were definite contributing factors to this constant need for approval and attention.

Early on, I also was introduced to the teachings of Charlotte Mason. I loved her theories focus of the younger years on nature, critical thinking, narration, and the habit training. I saw first hand how well this all worked for both my children, who possessed diametrically opposed personalities. I learned to look at both children's unique gifts and ilks and designed a course of study to suit them. Our home was always filled with lots of joy and fun, but the children were raised with a level of personal responsibility and respect for academic pursuits.

Buzz continued to impress with his mental abilities, but started to develop into a bit of an arrogant pratt as he realized that he was a good deal brighter than most of his peers. It was around twelve that he began his marked campaign of intense pleasure seeking pared with a lessened academic goal of mediocrity. He no longer care if an assignment was "good," as long as it was "done." In his mind, "done" was good enough because it meant that he could be off playing more quickly.

Of course, I always stopped him, and made him redo the work until it hit the standard of "good." Over the years, his skills increased and he was able to produce "good" with ease. So I raised the bar from "good" to "excellent." He did show an incredible amound of bull-headedness, consistently falling to his comfort level of mediocrity and repeatedly being brought to task to rework his efforts. Usually, with the added benefit of a lecture.

I suppose then, that to many I would be considered an unbending hard-ass who never considered his nature. Some would say that I chose to have such a stressful relationship with him by continuing to push him toward a higher standard than he would set for himself.
I have spent many an hour contemplating how much easier my life would be if I just had given in to his lazy tendencies, and accepted his half-hearted efforts as adequate.

Yet, the idea of wasting that brilliant mind would have haunted me forever. More than that, my duty as a parent is to raise my children into caring and productive adults, who exhibit both diligence and character. Would we have had a more peaceful household if I had let him coast through his teen years putting forth no real effort? Absolutely. Would this have shaped his character into a better and stronger adult? I highly doubt it.

When I used to work with troubled youth, I always found that self-esteem was developed best if the child had something to be proud of that required their full effort. Don't you remember that feeling yourself? Kids know that difference of stepping up to a challenge, putting themselves completely out there. It's a scary place to give something your all, because you could be found wanting. If you hold back and never try, you can always convince yourself otherwise.

My mantra then has always been that I always expected my children to work at a level that challenged them to grow. I didn't make unrealistic requests to stress them out, but I wanted them to develop within themselves a confidence that comes from repeated effort and success. A standard of quality is a necessary goal. Deadlines, too, are to be respected. These are necessary for success in the adult world as well, and need to be practiced and trained along the way.

In applying this philosophy, I held my kids to both standards and deadlines that were appropriate to their abilities. Honey early on realized and often reminded him that it would be far wiser to try to do it right the first time, but Buzz never seemed to make the wise or easy choice when it came to academics and me. His reluctance to apply himself initially often made a simple task take five times as long. This was utterly illogical, because he himself was keeping himself from fun activities through his stubbornness.

Some have criticized me over the years for setting too high a bar or of being inconsiderate of his natural tendencies toward procrastination and mediocrity. Some have said that by valuing diligence so much, I sacrificed a harmonious relationship. The will agree with the latter wholeheartedly. Even still, I don't believe that I had any other choice if my goal was indeed forming his character. Children, even teenagers, are not wise enough to always see the prize at the end.

Buzz has been transformed. He finally is able to see the tangible proof of all my theories that he balked at over the years. Up until that letter came, he still held firmly that it wasn't all that important to strive for top grades when you can just cruise by in the middle. The feeling of pride he has now is nothing like he has ever experienced before, and he is relishing it.

At the same time, he has realized that if he had been left to his own devices alone, it never would have happened. The purpose of my methods are suddenly clear...so that he could be his best. Now, it is up to him to continue making good choices and keep his eye on the prize. My work is done.

***sorry if this sounds snotty...but it is a response to a family member who is criticizing our homeschooling and parenting this week.

Amazing News!

Buzz got the letter yesterday that he was accepted into the Honor Scholarship program at college this fall! He will have his schedule reworked, so that he will be in a track with all the other honors liberal arts freshman in special classes with faculty and advisors that work closely with the group. THe thought is to encourage the best and brightest to form a solid social and academic bond. He has already gotten a summer reading assignment and invitation to a meet & greet picnic in three weeks.

This letter, and the joy it brought, suddenly transformed Buzz from sullen and resentful to appreciative and thoughtful. I was eager to celebrate his success, replete with hugs and high fives. He asked that I please request off work so I am able to attend with him, because he wants the professors to meet me. (You're the one who made sure I had a great classical education filled with the great books and forced Latin!) He discussed his new classes, which only change sections other than replacing psychology with philosphy. He is suddenly looking at college with new eyes.

I am thrilled, for this is an ideal peer group , complete with faculty taking a special interest. His social life will also have an academic aspect to it, with study sessions and community service projects. Plus, he needs to maintain a 3.0 to continue earning scholarship--a huge incentive to apply himself. Already he is mentioning the possiblity of not transferring out after his first year but rather working through with his team, and he hasn't even met them!

Somehow I believe his last four weeks of summer has taken on a new light! Good for him!

Our New Addition...and some updates

I finally did it! After weeks of research and test drives, we signed the paperwork yesterday for a Mazda CX-7 , albeit in black. It was so worth taking the time to make such a commitment, and I am certain I will be really happy with it. Even better, I am trading in my gas-hog Lincoln Navigator for this on the Cash for Clunkers program, and am improving 10 energy points with this vehicle! The best part is realizing that I once again have an incredibly reliable vehicle, and that means lots of ROAD TRIPS!

We've still been working hard to make fun our focus. I realize that this summer, it has been harder than ever. Honey is healed from her wisdom teeth, and is no longer suffering from the extreme vertigo that was keeping her housebound. We have been making good use of our season passes to Dorney Park, even if I just sit and sunbath while Honey runs about the waterpark with her girlfriends. We enjoyed the new Harry Potter movie, and then she had a sleepover with her soon-to-be relocated best friend. We've been staying up late quite a bit together, watching old movies or playing board games. It has been so good for us.

We're still managing to mix fun into our learning as well. Our astronomy unit has been quite interesting so far, and by supplementing the book learning with wonderful DVDs, we're getting a well rounded introduction. Last night, we went to a local "Star Party" with amateur astronomy club and saw a NASA presentation on Kepler project, which is searching for earth-like planets around sun-like stars. The presenter was a physics and astronomy professor from a local college, and has such an approachable style.

Haven't been mentioning Buzz much, as he and I are still struggling to have a positive relationship. He is so angry and resentful with me for the littlest things. It's very hard to come to terms with the unfortunate reality that is our relationship. This summer has been a great exercise in pulling my emotions back from the problem to see it more objectively. He is just at that point of balking maturity/responsibility that the most innocent of comments ("If you have laundry to do, please get it done today because I am washing curtains all day tomorrow") will be twisted in his mind as me nagging and criticizing him. It's difficult, but it is his hang-up.

I've also realized that a great deal of my added work/ stress will not be mine next year: Buzz's never-ending insurance issues from the accident, college financial issues with his mother, scholarship applications. It was just this week when one of my friends mentioned that Buzz isn't working and could/ should be doing a lot of this himself with minimal help from me. I realized that I was doing it because he ignored it all, choosing instead to play video games all day and text until his thumbs fall off. Another line I must draw, it seems, is to let him sink or swim on that end as well.

The good news on that end is that King Bee and I have gotten to a great place about the issues with Buzz. We are not fighting about him any longer, as he is seeing that our problems are not truly mine. Like many a teenager before him, Buzz is displacing , projecting, and diverting away from the real issue: personal responsibility. While I was his teacher, it was impossible for me to just step out of the line of fire, so to speak, as I was responsible to keep him on track and educate him. In a way, I have come to realize that my constant reminders became a sort of safety net for him even if he resented me for it.

Now that I am not his teacher, we realized as parents that we needed to work together to help Buzz grow. King Bee and Buzz have a great respectful relationship, and as such, he has taken on the task of guiding him to be a responsible man. As I've stepped away from the discipline end, King Bee has realized that Buzz cannot seem to take ownership for much of anything without scapegoating me, big or small (I couldn't focus on that essay because Mom is so hard on me and I felt defeated" to"I would have taken out the garbage, but Mom asked to borrow my GPS and I forgot") . The pattern is glaring and illogical, and having Dad point that out has a much greater effect than all the times I've challenged him to "own it."

This change has been very healthy for our marriage. It's been quite beneficial to our home life, as I have stopped having the same arguments with Buzz. And while he may not agree now, I believe it is going to be incredibly helpful for Buzz as he mentally prepares for college this fall. He is realizing that he needs to be totally responsible for his academics, his schedule, and his choices. This is a very good thing.

Sun, Stars, and Cat Calling!

We have been living the mantra here, and making fun the priority. The summer sun has finally come out, shining strongly in blue skies. What a mood lifter!!! We've been out in the sun for both work and play. We've been cleaning out the pond, swimming in the pool, playing with the dogs, and laying out reading. We've been grilling and eating out on the patio, enjoy night time swims as well.

All this fun and sun has recharged us. Friends are always an important part of our adventures. We spent all day Friday at Dorney Park with friends, and the girls even talked me onto a roller coaster. Once. (I tend to stop breathing...not a good thing). We attended a wonderful graduation ceremony and party for a number of our FSA kids at a local Catholic retreat center. It's been so lovely to attend events that I have not organized and am not responsible for!!!

We are refreshed. So much so, that yesterday we added stars to our summer of fun and sun. Or at least, the study of astronomy. HoneyGirl and I started it, and Buzz even tagged along a bit, working on his astronomy badge. We are using a very eclectic approach, as Honey wants to make a lapbook instead of lots of notes from a textbook. Allowing her to take the lead, I have just gathered up lots of materials, and she is leading the way. I think this is ideal with her personality; and sparks her interest even more.

After a brief review of the planets, we moved into the bigger concepts of stars and space.
We had a great time yesterday studying the history of astronomy and some of the major theories. Standard Deviants astronomy DVD does a great job at explaining Kepler's and Newton's Law conceptually, so that one does not need trig or calculus to understand the basics. Plus, it's depiction of Tycho's death is hysterical!

With all this free time away from lesson planning since Honey has taken the reigns, I have been spending the wee hours of the morning cat calling. Or maybe a better term would be cat wooing. You see, for years we had a neighbor who allowed his cats to run wild and live on his back patio. You would drive by and see stacks of open food cans lying everywhere. They were never in a house, and are not trained. Last month, he stuck a for sale sign in the ground and moved out, without a thought to the cats.

These two semi-wild cats have been wandering around ever since. I have caught them sleeping on chairs on our back patio, and have watched them mousing in the woodpile. The dilemna, of course, is what to do about them. They are certainly used to surviving outside, are very savvy in avoiding cars and our dogs, and make no attempt to destroy property. Calling the humane society would be a death sentence, because they are not indoor cats and are at least ten years old.

The family took a vote, and we have decided to share our patio with Bruce and Oscar, as we call them. Bruce is grey, and Oscar is an orange tabby. They have been warming up to me slowly. They used to run as soon as they saw us, but will now stop twenty feet away and watch me as I put down a can of food. I would really appreciate tips from any of your with farm cats as to their care, especially in winter.

Honey's dream is that they eventually trust her enough to pet, as we had seen the neighbor's daughter hold them in the past. This is a wish come true for her, as my cat allergies had always made cat ownership an impossibility. The guys are just happy to not have to set and empty mouse traps in the shed and garage, as the cats are doing the job nicely. Yesterday, after a week of feeding, I found one laid out for me on the steps. I think we are building a beautiful relationship here!

Making Fun the Priority

The irony of that statement is not lost on me. Yet is seems something that so many adults have to force themselves to do in these days. We have gotten a bit off track on this summer goal for the last week or so since Buzz's accident. There were so many calls and appointments with doctors, therapists, and claims adjusters. There was also all the completing of all the applications for Buzz's college honors scholorship program, the gathering of recommendation letter and transcripts. Then all the research and visits to test our cars and figure finances. Add to that the unexpected drama of a 15% rent increase from the church where the co-op is held, and I felt my stress level hitting the red zone.

I spent yesterday determined to get everything in the mail for the scholarship program and transcripts diploma program completed and in the mail. My assistant director and I met with the committee chairs for the church and board and negotiated a reasonable increase, though we feel we only dodged the bullet temporarily. KingBee has been arriving home late and exhausted, and we still hadn't gotten around to detailing our SUV for trade as we were planning to spend tonight at a car dealer again.

Which is the point where I decided we needed to make fun a priority. The car dealer will be there next week; I don't have to make any decisions now, especially those requiring a commitment longer than many marriages. In a few short weeks, I will need to be back to burning the candle at both ends. But not now.

We ordered pizza and popped in a DVD and relaxed as a family. I dug out a book and started reading late into the night, curled up on the sofa with a dog at my feet. I woke early to enjoy catching up with my friends via their blogs and email. Today, I am going to help Honey rearrange her furniture as she has been asking, and do a little swimming in the pool. If I feel ambitious, I might just reorganize the linen closet. Or not.

Tonight, instead of trying to squeeze in a dreaded night negotiating price with car salesman, the kids and I are going to a graduation ceremony and party for a few of our homeschooled friends at the local Catholic retreat center. We're going to laugh and dance and stay out late.

And for the rest of this week, we are going to keep making fun the priority. Summer is far too short to do otherwise!

Car Shopping for the Reluctant Spender

Being forced into the reality that we have to purchase another car is probably the worst part of this entire accident ordeal ( obviously since Buzz is fine!) I have enjoyed six years without car payments, and loved every minute of it. I am suddenly forced to admit that without my fail safe Saturn around, the Navigator is in it's last days. I need something reliable and safe.

Car shopping itself is a dreadful undertaking for a tightwad. If you look at used cars, there might always be one that has just one more option for a thousand less around the corner. If you choose to buy new, you have to take heavy sedatives as soon as you arrive home after driving it off the lot to emotionally handle the huge depreciation you just experienced.

For me, who has contentedly driven my husband's payment free hand-me-down, I realized I had a great deal of homework to do. Since I never wanted new payments, I never spent any time coveting cars the way some do. As such, there are so many new cars out there it is mind blowing. There are even whole new categories, like crossovers; there are also hybrid versions of many styles for consideration.

While I am a strong believer in purchasing used cars, the incredibly low financing deals on used cars right now is making that the better option. The holiday weekend advertisements of 0% financing spurred me at least start looking within my comfort zone: the Internet. It's such a great source for gathering information, and I found I easily paid attention to things like wheelbase and engine size in this format. After an initial case of sticker- shock -induced shortness of breath, I came up with a list of at least two vehicles from five different manufacturers to compare in both the crossover and sedan categories. The side-by-side comparisions option at Cars.com is incredibly helpful!

Still, the idea of facing salesmen made my stomach flip. I understand they are eager to make a sale, but I need silence to focus on the task. We spent July 4th driving around to various dealers just looking at cars and handling the sticker, mileage, options learning cruve while not being accosted. This was so helpful, as actually seeing the cars changed my views. We were again able to narrow down a number of strong competitors.

We drove to another dealership that heard was open, and I test drove a few vehicles. Test driving is moot for someone like me, who has been driving a decade old beast with mushy suspension and loose handling. They all feel amazingly tight and smooth. More important is the comfort of the driver's seat and my field of vision. I am more impressed by spill-proof cup holders , sun roofs, and cargo space!

It was an informative afternoon, but I left feeling a bit pressured to make a decision in two days, as Chevy's zero-percent financing sale is only until Monday. There were still all the other cars to see, and any decision this big takes a long time for me to percolate. I plan on keeping this next car for at least 8-10 years, so I can't be rushed into a relationship that long. So mcuh depends on my future goals. I am certain that I am done with SUVs, but do we want a crossover, or is it time to step back into a car? Gas mileage is an obvious considerations, but is a hybrid cost effective for an annual low miler like me?

I made a call to a friend who works in auto finance, who shared that less than a third of folks who apply for the 0% actually are approved, as the base credit score is usually over 700 for consideration. Often, the financing terms are shorter, so the monthly payments are extraordinarely high. He also shared that most of the big manufacturers will continue to have these specials all summer, and especially in September, when they have to get rid of the over stocks. Considering the car, it might be a better deal to look for rebates and other incentives.

The kids are really interested in this whole process. Always looking for learning moments, we are going to involve them every step along the way. Not only are lessons on finance good, but even those dealing with choice and options. Wish me luck in my search!

My Mother's Rememberence Quilt

In my effort to seek joy last week, my best friend and I got together to start making the top for an adorable lap quilt. Over the course of the afternoon, I shared the story of how I had gotten into quilting in the first place. The more I thought on it, the more I wanted to share it.

My mother passed away when I was five-months pregnant with HoneyGirl. I had the emotional task of cleaning out her apartment. In one closet, I found a bag full of fabric, a pattern torn from a quilt magazine with a post-it that said "Quilt for Angela's new home." At the time, I was far too emotional to do anything other than put it all in a tote and put it in my basement.

A few years later, when Buzz had morning kindergarten, I found myself with two hours of quiet every day while HoneyGirl took a nap. I was at a place in my life where I could finally deal with the reality of her death, and as such, took out the tote. I knew nothing of quilting at that time. I laboriously cut every block with scissors. I knew nothing of stripping things together for quicker sewing; I did each block one at a time. The results were often uneven, but in each piece I spent time remembering my mother.

Thanksgiving came, and I packed it all away so we could use the dining room table. The Christmas holidays came and went, and I was still a bit too raw to bring it out to finish. MOnths turned into years, and I got a newer better machine and took a few quilting classes. I thought about taking it out a few times, and saw all the imperfections of my prior work and didn't have the heart to start over. So it sat.

But last week, when I shared the story with my friend who knew my mother well, I realized that the imperfections were exactly how the quilt should be. My mother was equal parts wonderful and disaster, if I am to be honest. How I loved her, and how she loved me. Perfection had nothing to do with our relationship.

I pulled it out again the next day, this time smiling as I worked to finish the backing and binding. Honey came down and listened to stories about my mom while I worked. We both realize that all she will know of her is pictures and these stories, and this quilt is a such a great rememberence. All that is left is to finish quilting through all layers with floss, and Honey is game to help with that work. I can hardly wait for fall, to snuggle under it by the fire.