Training Diligence and Character

I've had many thoughts rumbling about in my head about training diligence and character in homeschooling for a while. I've touched on it in the past, but had never quite been able to explain my thinking on the subject clearly without major criticism. But as my second child is entering high school and is asking pointed questions about my philosophy in an effort to understand, I realized it was time to revisit a full analysis.

Sarah commented with a bit of surprise about Buzz's scholarship, as she had the perception that he was a rather poor student. I have to say that he absolutely is, if left to his own devices. However, he also possesses a brilliant mind and endearing presence. As such, I pushed, pleaded, and pulled him, sometimes kicking and screaming, toward a high set standard that matched his ability.

I recognized this brilliant and capable mind early on. I also recognized a personality solely geared toward the seeking of fun and attention. My son was indeed a natural clown; a child who would rather make others laugh with fart jokes than apply himself in any way. I'm not going to go down the road of psychological analysis here; suffice it to say that there were definite contributing factors to this constant need for approval and attention.

Early on, I also was introduced to the teachings of Charlotte Mason. I loved her theories focus of the younger years on nature, critical thinking, narration, and the habit training. I saw first hand how well this all worked for both my children, who possessed diametrically opposed personalities. I learned to look at both children's unique gifts and ilks and designed a course of study to suit them. Our home was always filled with lots of joy and fun, but the children were raised with a level of personal responsibility and respect for academic pursuits.

Buzz continued to impress with his mental abilities, but started to develop into a bit of an arrogant pratt as he realized that he was a good deal brighter than most of his peers. It was around twelve that he began his marked campaign of intense pleasure seeking pared with a lessened academic goal of mediocrity. He no longer care if an assignment was "good," as long as it was "done." In his mind, "done" was good enough because it meant that he could be off playing more quickly.

Of course, I always stopped him, and made him redo the work until it hit the standard of "good." Over the years, his skills increased and he was able to produce "good" with ease. So I raised the bar from "good" to "excellent." He did show an incredible amound of bull-headedness, consistently falling to his comfort level of mediocrity and repeatedly being brought to task to rework his efforts. Usually, with the added benefit of a lecture.

I suppose then, that to many I would be considered an unbending hard-ass who never considered his nature. Some would say that I chose to have such a stressful relationship with him by continuing to push him toward a higher standard than he would set for himself.
I have spent many an hour contemplating how much easier my life would be if I just had given in to his lazy tendencies, and accepted his half-hearted efforts as adequate.

Yet, the idea of wasting that brilliant mind would have haunted me forever. More than that, my duty as a parent is to raise my children into caring and productive adults, who exhibit both diligence and character. Would we have had a more peaceful household if I had let him coast through his teen years putting forth no real effort? Absolutely. Would this have shaped his character into a better and stronger adult? I highly doubt it.

When I used to work with troubled youth, I always found that self-esteem was developed best if the child had something to be proud of that required their full effort. Don't you remember that feeling yourself? Kids know that difference of stepping up to a challenge, putting themselves completely out there. It's a scary place to give something your all, because you could be found wanting. If you hold back and never try, you can always convince yourself otherwise.

My mantra then has always been that I always expected my children to work at a level that challenged them to grow. I didn't make unrealistic requests to stress them out, but I wanted them to develop within themselves a confidence that comes from repeated effort and success. A standard of quality is a necessary goal. Deadlines, too, are to be respected. These are necessary for success in the adult world as well, and need to be practiced and trained along the way.

In applying this philosophy, I held my kids to both standards and deadlines that were appropriate to their abilities. Honey early on realized and often reminded him that it would be far wiser to try to do it right the first time, but Buzz never seemed to make the wise or easy choice when it came to academics and me. His reluctance to apply himself initially often made a simple task take five times as long. This was utterly illogical, because he himself was keeping himself from fun activities through his stubbornness.

Some have criticized me over the years for setting too high a bar or of being inconsiderate of his natural tendencies toward procrastination and mediocrity. Some have said that by valuing diligence so much, I sacrificed a harmonious relationship. The will agree with the latter wholeheartedly. Even still, I don't believe that I had any other choice if my goal was indeed forming his character. Children, even teenagers, are not wise enough to always see the prize at the end.

Buzz has been transformed. He finally is able to see the tangible proof of all my theories that he balked at over the years. Up until that letter came, he still held firmly that it wasn't all that important to strive for top grades when you can just cruise by in the middle. The feeling of pride he has now is nothing like he has ever experienced before, and he is relishing it.

At the same time, he has realized that if he had been left to his own devices alone, it never would have happened. The purpose of my methods are suddenly clear...so that he could be his best. Now, it is up to him to continue making good choices and keep his eye on the prize. My work is done.

***sorry if this sounds snotty...but it is a response to a family member who is criticizing our homeschooling and parenting this week.