Scraping the Frost from the Window...

Scraping the Frost from the window is the perfect metaphor, especially as I return to blogging. November was a physically and emotionally draining time for us. HoneyGirl was stricken with a string of illnesses...swine flu, then strep, then a cold that turned to bronchitis. There was a solid month where our energies needed to focus on health.

This need to slow down and stop was a struggle for me. I can admit that there were days early on when I dreamed of the freedom of the younger years, when a month's illness could be filled with snuggling by the fire, reading books, and doing puzzles. I longed to just be mother without teacher, and to care for her with no lingering worry about how far behind she was getting.

Then one afternoon, I was reading by the fire while she slept on the sofa. I had a copy of the "The Tao of Pooh" that I wanted to read to help me understand Taoism before I tried to teach it to my ancient studies class. I was immediately drawn to the simplicity and wisdom of these teachings.

One particular passage, in which the author compares the minds of the different characters, stopped me in my tracks.

"An Empty sort of mind is valuable for finding pearls and tails and things because it can see what's in front of it. An Overstuffed mind is unable to. While the Clear mind listens to a bird singing, the Stuffed-Full-of-Knowledge-and-Cleverness mind wonders what kind of bird is singing. The more Stuffed Up it is, the less it can hear through its own ears and see through its own eyes. Knowledge and Cleverness tend to concern themselves with the wrong sorts of things, and a mind confused by Knowledge, Cleverness, and Abstract Ideas tends to go chasing off after things that don't matter, or that don't even exist, instead of seeing, appreciating, and making use of what is right in front of it. "

I was filled with clarity. There was nothing that mattered more than getting Honey back to health. Yet the quandry was that I am stuck with ALL these other obligations: teaching, administrating the co-op, running the home, and my job at the toy store. KingBee was again working out of state during the week, so I was also doing the single parent thing at the time. I needed to find a way.

Lao-tse wrote
"To attain knowledge, add things every day.
To attain wisdom, remove things every day.

And there, my friends, was the answer. I began by removing things from my long t-do list. So much of my life had become driven by busy habits that, while not all together harmful, ate up a LOT of my time, my freedom. I stopped blogging and reading blogs, and made myself unavailable for chatting on the phone. I stopped reading email loops and visiting favorite news websites. I loosened up my cleaning regimine, and actually let some laundry pile up and stopped dusting. I stopped worrying about creating wonderful meals EVERY night, and ate simply with more left-overs.

I let go of any guilt or worry about time-tables with every academic subject unless Honey was interested. Interestingly , she chose to keep up with history reading and research, her phsycial science. Once a bit better, she worked diligently to catch up to her public speaking class. We didn't even attempt to keep up with algebra and German, as she couldn't hold a single concept in her head between naps.

Instead, we played lots of board games. She conquered jigsaw puzzles, a previous challenge to her dyslexic mind. We watched a tons of old movies and analyzed themes. And best of all, we shared . In slowing down, I took on the role of storyteller, as she asked me all about my childhood, my mother, and life. In turn, I asked her to share her dreams and hopes, and fears.

Most of all, we discussed the things of true importance to us in all areas of our lives. I've realized that I love the co-op and teaching, but cannot do the quality job I want while working at the toy store. After the holidays, I'm quitting. We both want to commit more fully to a different lifestyle, filled with quality activities that do not necessarily cost money. I need time more than the money I earn.

Her health has returned quite a bit, but she still has a road to go. I finally succumbed to bronchitis over the last week or so, but am allowing myself permission to keep letting things go to take care of me. (and utterly new concept as well). I miss blogging , but realize that I will have to cut back on the amount of time devoted to reading blogs every day. Moderation, it seems, will be the key.

And those syllabi? I'm not quite ready to scrap them, for I see value in having a plan. I am just not worrying about how long the journey takes any more. I would rather enjoy the singing of the bird.